Hello again...

I know it's been a while....a really LONG while...I'm not very good at keeping up with this....Sorry...Just another thing to add to the list of my failures...
Nothing I had hoped to achieve this semester actually happened.
My weight...the same...I think...the only time I have access to a scale is around 6 pm-ish when I go the gym (which I've been awful about lately....) And I've always eaten before and drank tons of water....and am wearing like 4 layers....so I hope that adds up to about the 4 pound difference from what the scale at home told me when I weighed myself first thing every morning....the moment of truth will be when I fly home in 2 weeks and 2 days....yes on Christmas eve....my school is evil....finals finish on the 23rd....which brings me to my second point of failure....
My grades....suck. Not suck as in failing or anything, but as for getting into med school...i might as well be....I have 2 A's, one B and one.....gulp....C....in CHEMISTRY!!!! I'm a BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR!!!!! I find that kinda sad/depressing....and this is probably exhibit A of why I'm not doing the best....I should be studying for finals right now so i could fix that, but what am I doing? Blogging....I'm gonna call this a mental health session or something, even though it's kinda the opposite....
I haven't been socializing much....I've been isolating myself again....I just don't feel like having to put up a front for people....having to turn down food....explain why I'm always shaky.....or have to come up with something to say so they don't catch on....I'm starting to get worried....my two good friends have started making a lot of ED comments recently....I said I ate too much recently and they just looked at me and suggested I do as the Romans do and purge...and then laughed...I didn't, because that's what I actually wanted to do....and they looked at me really funny...so on and so forth...and now the holidays are coming up, which means extended time with the fam...them criticizing what I will or won't eat....FUN TIMES!!!!
not.
My one friend has also been pressuring me to go see the counselor here....it's free and she basically said....you need therapy....LOTS of it....and she admits she's fucked up but that she can see that I might actually be worse, despite me not wanting to admit it....this coming from a girl who tried to commit suicide two years ago....I feel lovely that I'm supposedly somewhere worse than that....
On a slightly happier note....I get a lot of comments from random men here in New York....I don't know if it's actually genuine or if they're just mocking me....either way, for the first couple minutes after someone random walks up to you and tells you you're beautiful, you feel happier about yourself...and then being me, you start analyzing everything that needs to be fixed....and it fades....
I need to do better this next year....either way, focusing on the positive, I've kept the weight off for over a year now, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be getting thinner and thinner by the day, instead of waking up every morning and seeing exactly the same amount of DISGUSTING fat as the day before....I can't handle this lack of progress but at the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I let myself start the spiral whole-heartedly again...because at the moment, I'll do it for a few days and then stop myself.....I'm terrified of what I could achieve if I truly let myself achieve it....is that why I keep making myself fail at everything I attempt?

Depressed Ramblings

I almost outed myself the other day to a friend on accident. I feel awful that I'm hiding this from her, especially since she's been open about the psychological difficulties she's had in the past. I was telling her about the tattoo I want to get. I've decided I want to get wings tattooed on my upper back. I'm one of those people who refuses to get a tattoo that doesn't have meaning, so I was telling her that it was meaningful to me on four different levels:
1. A reminder of my dead sister and that I always have a guardian angel looking out for me,
2. A reminder that I can overcome all obstacles.
3. Wings are part of the medical symbol and I since I want to be a doctor, it would be a reminder of my goals.
And then I stopped. She asked me what the fourth one was. The fourth reason is that it would be a reminder of my continual struggle with EDNOS....the wings symbolizing my desire to be thinner, smaller and more perfect when I give into my disorder but also reminding me that this too is a struggle that I can overcome.
I told her I must have miscounted and was just being hyperbolic. I hate lying to people. But if anyone finds out, they'll make me stop and I'm petrified of what will happen if i do. I need this in a way. It's a method to organize my life. It's a measurement of how good my day has been. I know that I'm not happy this way, but that's not really what I'm striving for here anyways is it? I want perfection. If you can't be happy and perfect, I'll chose to be perfect and thus I'll be perfect at making everyone ELSE think I'm happy.
On an even more depressing note: if anyone is familiar with Supersize v.s Superskinny, I was watching the last season recently. I cried through most of them. This season there was an influx of super-skinnies that were moms and trying to change their ways so their kids wouldn't pick up their bad habits. That's exactly what I'm terrified of. My mother did it to me and I don't want tot carry that on to another generation. I managed to shield my sister from my families neurosis about weight (everyone in my family is either deemed too fat or too skinny and then subsequently lectured on how they can become a healthier individual). I'm just terrified at the amount of power i wield to potentially destroy myself and take down so many people that I love doing it.

Sorry it's been a while...

I've been bad....I started college a little more than a month ago and because I didn't want ot have to deal with the questions and the nagging right away. I ate. I wanted to be normal for once and see if could be happy like that. I can't. I wieghed myself the other day...ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!!!!! Admittedly, this was at 11 o'clock at night after a HUGE binge that I STILL feel guilty about, but I was doing so well. Well, not well, passable. Anything other than gaining is acceptable to me. Not ideal, but at least I'm not getting fatTER.
So I've decided to reinstate my ED behavoirs that I've been trying so hard to suppress. I am now back to my strict 1200 net calories a day plan, staying under wherever possible. I'm going to the gym every other day where I must burn at LEAST 400 calories. This must also be done in under an hour. The other days I will do strength training. I'm not sure about the exact regimen, but I'll probably come up with something more concrete in the next two weeks.
Lastly, I'm highly considering posting daily eats online in hopes that having my fatty habits explosed on the internet will shame me into eating less. It's not like my body doesn't have enough fat already. I don't get why i can't just eat some of my MASSIVE thighs wen it gets hungry instead of me having to eat something to make them even bigger!!!! (I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm in a really pissed off mood.) Anywho, let me know what you think.
P.S. YAY!!!!! 3 WHOLE FOLLOWERS!!!! I feel loved. <3

If you really knew me...

I found this list today while killing time online and I think that at least one of these applies to the people who have used this site:

http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php

Response to Comment

I kinda don't have anything of importance to sya at the moment, but I felt like I should answer this comment

Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.

I am an beached whale....

I'm totally not being hyperbolic this time. I measured myself yesterday thinkning that beacseu I wasn't really eating anything and I was walking everywhere ON TOP of the fact that it's so hot I sweat just thinking about how hot it is. I thought I would have significantly smaller measurements. WRONG. I have gained 5.35 inches in totaly from when I was my thinnest this January. THe only thing that has shrunk, remarkably are my upper arms which have decreased by half an inch.
Either way....I WILL NOT gain the Freshman 15. That is my top goal this semester. I know that it's a bit screwed up that I'm starting college and my TOP PRIORITY is not to gain the Freshman 15. Not to get good grades. Not to meet more people. Not to get involved. To NOT GAIN WEIGHT. Admittedly the others are on the list too....but that's just the way my fucked up brain works.
I'm actually going to endevour to LOSE the Freshman 15. Yes. Hopefully in a year I will be AT LEAST 130 pounds and officially not in the beached whale category and instead in the fat cow category...But hey....anything is better than this, right?
Sorry I haven;t been around for a while. It's really stressful keeping up appearances with my mom. Although I SWEAR she WANTS me to be fucked up....for example....over the summer she would tell me things like "You've gotten so skinny!" "You need to eat (more)" and then two days later she would say things like, "we definately need to cut back, no one wants to blow up like a balloon, now do they?" I was on my period. It's moments like that when I am 100% sure that my mother WANTS me to have an eating disorder. I mean she's the only one in my family that has ever discovered my disordered eating way back when, and did she make me get treatment? NO. Did she even tell my dad? NO. And then she goes around telling me that she and I need to go on a diet and that we should loose 5-10 pounds or so and THEN we'll look great. And then she goes into panic mode the second I say "I'm not hungry". I don't get it. I hate mothers.

Survey

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[x ] I've run away from home
[x] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[ ] Weed
[x Cigarillos technically but what the hay..] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3

P.S. I now officiallly have a follwer!!! YAY ME!!!! And thank you!!!!

Strage...

I have been away far too long...it took me all of yeaterday evening to catch up with all the blogs I follow...Anywho...the month I was gone without internet, I was in Syria with my super skinny best friend/roomie...and apparently I think I've worried her family. It drives me insane!!! Her eating habits aren't normal either, but they pick on mine instead of hers!! I mean how many NORMAL people eat about 3 kilos of apples a day and not much else? And how many NORMAL people refuse to eat any form of processed carbs? And she somehow manages to include rice in that category. But no...they comment on mine. Like when we go grocery shopping, and my roomie asks if I want to get something fattening or the other and I comment, "no thanks I want to fit into my dress for graduation." she responds with a "It's gonna fall off of you with the amount you've been eating" And her mom always trying to feed me even more food!!!! GAH!!!! I hate food pushers!!!
I hate the hypocrisy sometimes!!!! It's okay for your daughter to eat like a rabbit, but not for her friend? And I didn't lose anything at all...partially because I had a massive bordom induced binge three days ago...and once again I'm stuck at bloody 145 pounds....I always get down to theis point and then for some reason, no matter what I eat or don't eat, my body stopslosing weight and the ONLY direction the numbers on the scale go is up!
I'm so confused about my body now anyways....I think I have the most bizzare body on the planent: the literal exception to every singe rule of body mass distribution and proportions. On a whim I decided to calculate my percentage body fat and guess what? On 6 seperate calculators, it never got lower than 19% or about 19.6% The most common value was 19.5% though, so I'm thinking that was the most reliable. But that number doesn't make any sense! Depending on the site, I was either classified as having not enough body fat or having the body fat of an athlete! I have no muscle tone whatsoever! I haven't worked out in months! I look like a whale! There is no way that I'm not at least in the average range!
Anywho, my graduation is in two days and I want to look the best possible then!!! I want to break through the 145 barrier!!! It's so frustrating!!! I've lost over 20 pounds so far, and then my body just stopped! I'm only gonna eat really healthy stuff the next two days....at the moment I'm eating celery, which tastes gross at the moment, and I bought bamboo shoots and red and yellow peppers, 0.1% fat yoghurt and laxative tea. And that's basically what I'm going to eat for the next two days. Hopeully I see some improvement!

Good day today.... :)

It's an amazing day for me today because....I woke up exactly 4.4 pounds lighter today than I was yesterday...I feels amazing!!!! I still have about 15.5 pounds to lose before I can attempt to be happy about my wieght, but still progress is progress!!!
There is only one good thing about being on your period: the super fast weight loss....I think the fact that I started my period two days ago is one of the main reasons for the fast loss....that and sauna-ing....it's offically one of my favorite ways to lose weight EVER!!!
I'm going in for another hour-long session today!!!! Hopefully I can get down to the 130s sometime soon...It will be the first time I was in the 130s in a VERY LONG time...I think it would make me ecstatic!!!! I DEFINATELY want to be in the 130s for my graduaiton in a month....I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be 132 for it!!!! Exactly 60 kilos....but that would mean losing 15.4 pounds in the next month. Lord knows I'm going to try.

Angry....

I'm furious....
First of all because of something I just read...a young girl was looking for support with EDNOS and some idiot told her that she doesn't have an eating disorder because EDNOS is the, "eating disorder for those who want to have an eating disorder."
I NEVER wanted this. I NEVER wanted to NEVER be happy with myself....to hate myself for not being strong enough to stop eating....for not being strong enough to NOT purge....I look in the mirror and all I want to be is happy...but I know I'll never be that in the body I'm in...and so the EDNOS cycle starts...
I started having ED behaviors when I was 8. My mother was always small and thin, a dancer, who now considers herself obese at 5'7" and 113 pounds. My father is the opposite, 6'0". He used to be really thin when he was in the military, but he gained a lot when he quit. I would guess he now weighs 250+ pounds. Around the time when my father really started to gain, my mother started telling me that I was "big". I have my dad's larger bone structure and was never petite like her. In EVERY SINGLE CLASS PHOTO of mine from 1st to 8th grade I'm the tallest and the biggest.
I would overhear my mom talk to other mothers about the size clothes their daughters wear and their weights....she always described me as "big". It hurt. It hurt a lot. I still find the word big more insulting than fat. Because every time she said that word, she said it with pure disgust...we would go shopping and she would always look at the smaller sized clothes longingly...and I NEVER fit...
In about 3rd grade I began what to me seemed a logical...the less you ate, the smaller you would get....I didn't want to be big any more...I wanted my mother to finally accept me and not criticize everything because it wan't perfect. I would get 98% on a test and she would ask where the last 2% were. I would win a soccer game and she would ask if I had scored the most goals...nothing was good enough...So I stopped eating lunch at school....I would just throw it out...at every other meal, when she gave me a MUCH smaller portion than my sister or herself, it hurt but at the same time I thought it was good because I would become perfect faster...
This continued for about 3 weeks before I became ravenous and binged....everything I could while my mother was out...I couldn't bear to have her or anyone else see me eat. It felt and still feels...dirty. I continued on my binge-restrict cycle for the next 4 years...but the weight never went down...it kept going up...I was ALWAYS angry ALL THE TIME...especially at my mother...
In 7th grade I began to experiment with purging...I discovered I hated vomiting, but laxatives felt like an appropriate punishment....It was only natural that it would be revolting and uncomfortable to get all the crap that I put into myself out...
Unfortunately, in the binge-purge-restrict cycle, I began to get careless....my mother noticed empty wrappers and food containers that I used to hide so well...
She confronted me and I lied....I told her that I never purged, EVER....she then started marking all the food and counting exactly how many calories I ate a day...she found out that I was using the laxatives in the cabinent and and counted those too....she told me that if I snuck food again, or she caught me purging, she would send me for treatment...
I didn't want to go to treatment because that would mean there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't perfect. I wanted to be thin, small and perfect but I didn't want to be so imperfect that i needed help. So for about 3 years, I listened, I ate and didn't purge and got fatter and more disgusting all the time. The arguments with my mother got worse and worse...
I then couldn't handle it anymore....I was 168 pounds at my highest....
I could feel her condescending looks and I broke...I started again...and it hurts keeping so much inside, but I have to do it because if I don't, people will try and "help" me. I don't want their help. I want to be perfect enough. And no I don't know when that will be. I don't know if that will ever be.
All I do know is this:
1. I get a little high everytime some one tells me I've lost weight. Especially when it's my mother....I love that now every time I go home she comments that I've gotten thinner...I need to hear that I'm getting thinner....but more importantly that I'm not "big" anymore....It makes me feel like I can do something right...I may not be thin YET, but at least I'm thinNER.
2. I hate lying to everyone, but not enough to stop.
3. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not eating.
4. I feel like crying everytime my friends tell me I'd be a great mom, because I do want to be a mom. I'm just terrified that my children will be just as screwed up as me. Or even worse, that I'll become like my mother and screw them up myself. I never want to make anyone feel the way she made and still makes me feel: perpetually inadequate.
5. I don't feel worthy of any sort of positive attention, and what people think is false modesty in order to get compliments really isn't. It's the truth. I don't think I'm especially smart (How many smart people would WANT to do this to themselves?). I don't think I'm that strong (If I was strong, I wouldn't NEED this). I don't think I'm funny (What my friends don't realize is what they mistake as humor is either a) my anger at the world being mistaken as sarcasm, or b) me being so hungry/out of it that I have no more control over what I say). I don't find myself especially nice or sweet (I'm selfish: I try and care for other people because I don't want anyone else to become as fucked up as I am, because that way I potentially have SOMETHING good to say about myself: that I prevented more people from turning out like this).

So to anyone out there who may stumble across this: EDNOS is NOT an eating disorder for those who WANT one....it's something very real, that I never wanted, but I don't want to get rid of, because I don't know who I AM without it. That terrifies me. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE else in a million years. True I don't have a "cookie cutter" ED like bulimia (I don't purge enough), or anorexia (my BMI has never been low enough), but I can see that this is NOT healthy...but that's not the point. I don't want health. I want perfection. This is not something I'm saying about myself because I want attention...these are classifications that have been given to me by OTHERS...I just wish people would stop belittling EDs that aren't anorexia or bulimia because they don't know them...some may say I have disordered eating, but NOT an eating disorder....others may say I'm just depressed. I am depressed, but this is more than that. All these people could say that, but they don't KNOW me....ask someone who has known me my entire life...they KNOW that I don't have a healthy relationship to food...they've told me themselves that I need to eat, or that they're concerned. So the next time you think that EDNOS doesn't exist, ask THEM. I'm sure they'd tell you something VERY different.

Positive Reinforcement

I ran yesterday. I was supposed to be studying for my exams which start on Tuesday, but instead I ran. My school is celebrating it's 90th birthday this weekend and one of the events was a two hour run around my campus for charity.
I only really started because I wanted one of the T-shirts, but then the high of running yout body down hit and I didn't want to stop. I started about 50 minutes to an hour late and I ran 9 kilometers.
I barely ate breakfast that morning and I was too hyped to really eat that much at dinner....I also skipped lunch....I feel the changes already....my oblique muscles, my ass and inner thighs all are in IMMENSE pain....but it's so worth it....
I thought I was really out of shape, but I'm really proud of myself for running that much....hopefully I can keep up the losing over exams and blame stress.....and look great for our IB dinner!!!! Lord knows I need something positive to look forward to....I've found that positive motivation for what WILL happen in the future is what gets me going the most....so here goes....hopefully I exceed even my own expectations!!!

Secrets...

I feel like my ED has me keeping so many things inside lately...

My secret?
I hate the fact that I can't let anyone in...sure I tell them part of the story...but I'm too scared to let them know all of me...because then they would also realize that I'm not worth it...the worst thing about this is, I've discovered I'm a really good actress....even the people who know me best can't tell that I feel like crying for no reason 90% of the time...

My secret?
The voice screams, "Stop!! Stop that you fat cow!!" But I keep shoveling food in - I don't taste it. I feel disgusted with myself for being a failure. I've been weak and all I want to do is hurl it all back up. After 30 minutes of trying to make myself sick, I resign myself to another failure and punish myself for being so weak by restricting....

My secret?
I like to pretend that everything's alright. Because when everyone else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

My secret?
Everytime I realize I've fallen a little for my own charade, my self-loathing deepens....because I don't deserve even that momentary comfort

My secret?
I don't know what to do anymore...I barely feel anything anymore...the emptyness is consuming me...all of me except for the one thing I want to be empty...I'm losing my soul, but my weight stays the same...I can feel all the things people love me for: my humor, my kindness, my sarcasm....everything....all slipping away, and part of me doesn't mind...because on some level I think that if I lose everything else first, the weight HAS to follow....

My secret?
I know that I'm living a lie, but I. Just. Can't. Stop.

My secret?
Plainly and simply: I'm terrified of myself....

Life sucks...

I have my IB exams starting in a week. For anyone out there who doesn't know what the IB exams are, they basically count for about 70% of my grades that I will need to keep my university offers. So I'm super stressed out to begin with.
To make things worse, since I don't have a scale here, I have to go by measurements, and I have gained about half and inch around my stomach, hips and ass in the past month. I feel gross. I'm totally letting myself go in the wrong direction, but I refuse to let myself be fat for graduation. It's time to start the restricting again!! I'm already half a day through with my new attitude and it feels great. I forgot how amazing little things like, skipping lunch, or using the excuse that "My stomach hurts" to stop eating felt. I don't care if my friends get on my case this time. I can blame it on stress. I. WILL. BE. SKINNY. And NOTHING ANYONE says or does is going to stop me. Wish me luck!

Not letting it show...

Life sucks. I've been really busy and I jsut couldn't put up with the constant questioning/concern about my eating so I've been eating. A lot. And I'm getting fat again.
To make things worse, a girl I considered my close friend decided to tell a guy that I like that I like him. No everything is super awkward and his entire group of friends as well as about half the school knows as well by now. The worst part is I have to act like I dont' know any of this because one of his friends kind of told me in strictest confidence and I don't want to fuck up everything for him too because he's actually a nice guy.
Apparently, I'm not supposed to take this in a negative way. The guy that I like doesn't know what to do. I think that kind of means I'm repulsive in a way. Because seriously, if I wasn't, there wouldn't be any debate would there? I'm 99% sure it's because of how fat I've gotten in the past month.
I've decided something from today. I'm officially no longer turning my back on my ED. It's always there for me in a way that even my friends aren't any more. Plus about half of my friends group is in Oxford for revision courses so it'll be so much easier to just let the euphoria of hunger take over now....I WILL be thin...I HAVE to be thin....because NO ONE wants a fatty....fattys are worthless and at the moment, that's unfortunately what I am. I know there's a thin person inside of me somewhere....I'm just going to starve the fatty to get her out....wish me luck!

I'm falling back...

I don't know what is happening with me at the moment. All are know for sure are two things. I gained two kilos and i can't get them to go away. And that I am spiralling downwards toward depression again.
I'll start with the first issue bothering me. I know I should be gentler on myself since I'm on my period, but I can't. I'm fat and I'm getting fatter every second. And I can't stop eating. Why, you ask? Because I am finally not being watched like a hawk anymore. I was so happy to see a scale at the beginning of holidays and see that I had dropped another kilo. But there was a downside.
People had taken notice that I wasn't eating. That I was exercising 4 days a week for an hour or more. Three of those days I run 7-10 kilometers at a pace of roughly 4:50 minutes per kilometer. I follow this with high intensity rowing, weights and core strengthening exercises. I dared to voice that I was eating to much once at dinner and the Spanish Inquisistion began again. Instantly it became, "What are you talking about?" and "You're not eating anything"...
My friends suck at being subtle....I'd mention I was going to the gym and I'd get a "Why are you all of a sudden so interested in working out? You don't need to lose any weight or anything if that's why you're pushing yourself too hard." Or I'd say I'm not feeling very hungry and I'd be asked, "You're never hungry lately, why is that?" And I'd have to spout some BS about being stressed and NEVER being able to eat when stressed.
Now I'm on holidays with two of my closer friends, and I decided to eat more than usual to make them get off my case. The problem is, I can't stop now.
There is something seriously wrong with the world I currently inhabit. Everyone around me is getting fatter, while I stay the same. Doesn't sound like a negative, right? It is. I no longer consider my thin friends thin enough. I see problem areas EVERYWHERE on EVERYONE!!! I'm scared I'm setting my standards for myself too high, but at the same time, is there such as thing as too extreme a goal? Is it really that awful to want to be 130 as my fat, period, bloated weight, and not a gross 146? I'm finding it increasingly harder to answer that question with a no. In fact I'm starting to downright agree with it.
That brings me to my second issue. The depression. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears constantly and for no reason. Well, that's not entirely true. I know why. It's because I'm fat again. If I could just be skinnier, I know I'd be happier....No one can possibly be happy with an extra 5 kilos weighing their ass alone down. That's why I've decided after break things are going to change. Big Time.
I've developed a new set of goals that are going to be implemented the second the clock chimes 12:01 on Monday the 21st.
1. Breakfast. No more than one bread or half a bowl of cereal. Carbs will only be allowed here because I have the rest of the day to burn them off.
2. If I get hungry before lunch I have two options: Apple or a glass of Tea.
3. Carbs and Fat will be avoided as much as possible at all meal times.
4. I will ONLY drink ice-cold stil water from now on. I will carry a bottle with me at all times and I will be drinking 4 liters a day before Easter.
5. When I work out on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I will not stop my workout until I have completed 10 kilometers at least on the eliptical and/or rowing machine combined.
6. Unless there is snow or ice, walk between campuses as much as is possible.
7. Spend more time in the library. Under the pretence of work, I can avoid food and making excuses and maybe actually get better grades.
8. If I go out with the girls and go drinking I wlil only do so on an empty or nearly empty stomach. That way I need to spend less to get drunk.
9. I will try to curb the smoking before it becomes a habit. If I can't help it, find a way to hide it. First priority is to get rid off it because ironically smoking does not make me less hungry but gives me the munchies like no other, which is mildly counterproductive.
10. Vesper. Eat as little as possible and treats (sweet-wise) only once a week, at maximum. Also I am no longer allowed to buy chocolate off of the cafe during my shift. It leads to nasty chocolate binges.
11. I will do my very best to not complain about eating to much, any cravings, or being hungry, as to not arouse suspiscion and or get into fights over my ed. I don't want to lose any friends right now.
12. If I break these rules I must drink a glass of warm salt-water for every one a break. Every. Single. Day.

Angry at myself

I had a really shitty day yesterday I had about 1100 calories net and I couldn't stop myself from eating!!! I felt soooo gross....and then that evening one of my friends asked me how much i weighed....and suprisingly I answered honestly...and her only response, "THAT much? I though you were waaaaay less that that...well at least you look it..."
On one hand, I'm flattered that I look a lot skinnier than I am. But at the same time, it reminds me how massive I actually am...I've lost about 7.2 kilos in the past 6 months and I was proud of that, but I'm still waaay too large....I want to double my amount lost...It'll bring me to about 57.8 kilos or 127 pounds.
I think I would be happy with that. At the moment I'm about 65 kilos or 143 pounds....I'll have access to a scale in about a week and a half, so we'll see then....I better not have gained ANY weight.
Today was a good day though, only about 600 net calories and it's 8 pm and I've already had dinner....I just need to fight off the binge monster that normally appears in about an hour or so...I'm not fucking things up for myself anymore...I worked out hard today and I ate well...I will not give into the chocolate mousse in the fridge...I think my control is finally starting to come back, thank god.
I especially need to be good today because tomorrow is girls-night-out...and that means alcohol....lots of empty calories...at least it's not carbs or something...At least this way I won't feel too gross about it...I've been waaay too good about that the last couple weeks and I need to just let loose for a night...

Some good, some bad

Good news from an ana perspective, I have a stomach bug....which means that in the past two days combined i've comsumed maybe 500 calories combined that haven't been thrown back up...I actually feel thin and it's amazing!!!!
Bad news...in the past day and a half i've been called out no less than five times by my friends for my habits.
Instance 1: Wing meeting and the mentor announces there is going to be an eating disorder seminar for people with eds and people who know people with eds...my one friend and my roomie look at me and start asking me very awkward questions about eds and what they entail...it was like being interrogated.
Instance 2: I am now going to the gym with my roomie three times a week for no less than an hour each time. My one good friend also from instance one, looked at me and asked, "Why are you so obsessed with working out all of a sudden? You know you don't need to lose weight or anything, right?" (like i believe that, but whatever....)
Instance 3: Same friend brought me food (white bread is all i'm allowed to eat) after I was up the whole night puking....I said that was a very sweet thought but I don't know if i'd be able to keep it down because everything i consume comes right back up and he made a reference to bulimia.
Instance 4: My friend, G, we'll call her came by while I was sick, and she said that one of my housemates said she lost weight and she didn't really think she'd lost that much (only about a kilo or two) and then she said she hadn't lost NEARLY as much as me and then asked why i don't really eat anything anymore...
Instance 5: At dinner before my stomach virus started....I was eating A LOT....Like 2 whole bagels (ick....but I didn't put anything on them at least) and i made an offhand comment about how i was grossly overeating at the moment and the entire table kinda blankly stared at me until my roomie said, "I'm glad yo're finally eating SOMETHING again...besides we just did a long workout, you need the energy..."
I feel like an intervention is coming up and as much as I know I'm letting ana control me, I don't want to let go of it just yet....

life sucks...

I got rejected...again....The male species is impossible!!! They act like one thing, but always mean something else! I'm just tooo disguting. I know it. No one wants a fat, ugly cow. No one EVER wants something that disgusting. And I am definately still that disgusting...
On the plus side, yesterday was an amazing day for ana....I went to the gym for almost two hours and between the eliptical, the rowing machine and the stregth training i did, I burnt about 450 calories....that's great considering that my goal is to have less then 1,000 net calories a day, that way, even if I'm a pig, I still burn about 500 calories, just by living...I burned an extra 200 yesterday....I was doing so well until I pigged out on Nutella at the end of th day...I still only had about 800 net cals though.
I'm gonna try to do better though....I've officially started with my new fitness plan. I'm going to look good in a bathing suit this year if it kills me. Or, at the very least, better than previous years. I'm working out at least 30 minutes every day. I'm doing an hour of gym (minimum) on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday, I do an hour of aerobics. And on Monday, I do an hour of yoga before gym. On Tuesday and Thursday I also am gonna do Pilates or a video or two off of ExerciseTV. That's enough to start off with I think for now.
I might also start cutting down on the cals even more. I can even blame it on my newest guy fiasco if my friends ask about itAt least I can turn the shit in my life into something positive.

I need support

I'm pretty sure that no one reads this blog, but if anyone does I could really use an ana/mia buddy right now...I'm trying so hard but I keep failing...I was really gross today...and I can't make myself puke, despite trying....normally at home, I would do a form of laxative (mineral oil), but I don't have any at boarding school and my friends will wonder why i need it...I don't wanna have to purge and I can't here!!! There is no privacy here so purging is difficult to say the least. I just need the motivation to keep the calories down to begin with. If anyone out there reads this, your help would be more than appreciated. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...

Sorry it's been a while...

I have had an interesting week. I slipped on ice Monday and bruised my tailbone so badly that I'm still in pain. Because of that I was not able to keep with one of my New Year resolutions: To work out for 30 minutes each weekday. But today I managed to succeed partially. I found this great workout here: http://www.exercisetv.tv/workout-videos/cardio/bikini-body-workout-4487 . It felt amazing but I started dying after the X-crunches....I'm soooo out of shape...I'm gonna be able to do that whole thing without any problems very soon I decided. I also noticed something. When you tell your friends you're not hungry, you get ENDLESS lectures about how you need to eat, and yadayadayada.... BUT, if you TAKE food, it doesn't even really matter how much, they don't say anything...Either I only take a little (1/4 cup of bell peppers with vinegar) or actual dinner, eat three bites and push the rest around on my plate. Either way it's working out so far.
I was so happy to be at home and have a scale...I officially wiegh 145...I find that amazing...I weigh the least I have EVER weighed in the past 4 years...I'm already halfway to my "acceptable" goal : 130. I've realized that if my friends are giving me grief about losing so much weight already, that's probably the lowest I can go without provoking an intervention. Although, I've found new ways to phrase things so that my friends are more supportive. For example, my roomie who is super skinny, is complaining that she's really out of shape, so we're going to the gym at least 3 times a week for an hour or two...I've also become completely anal about the taste of ketchup: read I hate it with a PASSION! And since most food at our school involves ketchup or creme friache (ughhhhh I also loathe it...) I have a good excuse not to eat it....I've been constistently under 100 calories a day since I've gone back to school and so far nothing too terrible has happened...
Everyone has noticed I lost weight....They should I lost 8 kilos....approximately 18 pounds since the start of summer...none of my old clothes really fit anymore and my mother actually said I'm GETTING thin...The only bad thing is when it provokes concern...I have two really good friends who I now feel monitor what I eat and am constantly bombarded with "Aren't you gonna eat something?" Or "Aren't you going to get more?" And if I ever ask to try a bite of something, to avoid suspicion....they shove most of it into my mouth or hand/plate....then I look bad if I don't eat it...I'm mildly confused as to what to do about those two friends....
I also fucked up last night....I think my roomie knows there is something going on with me...I said I fet gross cuz I've been eating too much lately (totally true) and she said something along the lines. "You're actually eating really healthy. Sure we eat every 3 hours (school's meal schedule works that way...) but you're not eating a lot each time and it's mostly healthy. In fact, you could probably eat a lot more." Followed by a very wierd look...I don't know what I'm gonna do about that either...
Sorry this post is so long. I just have a lot going on in my head...

I have a confession to make

I lied when I posted my starting wieght as 149. Sad, right? I lie to, well, who am I kidding, myself, because even 149 felt less disgusting than what I weighed. I started out the summer at my high weight of 163. I am currently fluctuating between 145 and 147. But then again, that's probably because I'm gonna start my period in a day or two. So in th past 5 months I've lost 18 pounds. I feel that's amazing, but still I feel immensly fat. To make things worse I think I've reached the point of no return.
Yesterday I went to see the Rose Parade floats with my sister, mother and her friend and kids. The entire place smelled of food: funnel cakes, popcorn, pretzels. My mom kept trying to buy me something from the food vendors but all I could think of was the fatty foods making my cottage cheese thighs even worse. And I started crying. My mother thinks its because I was just being a brat, but I know better. I can't look at an item of food without seeing it as making me fat. I still eat, but I can't eat in front of people anymore. I feel disgusting. Like they're watching me. In revulsion. And I, in thurn feel repulsed. I'm spiraling downwards and I don't think I can stop, nor do I want to.