Secrets...

I feel like my ED has me keeping so many things inside lately...

My secret?
I hate the fact that I can't let anyone in...sure I tell them part of the story...but I'm too scared to let them know all of me...because then they would also realize that I'm not worth it...the worst thing about this is, I've discovered I'm a really good actress....even the people who know me best can't tell that I feel like crying for no reason 90% of the time...

My secret?
The voice screams, "Stop!! Stop that you fat cow!!" But I keep shoveling food in - I don't taste it. I feel disgusted with myself for being a failure. I've been weak and all I want to do is hurl it all back up. After 30 minutes of trying to make myself sick, I resign myself to another failure and punish myself for being so weak by restricting....

My secret?
I like to pretend that everything's alright. Because when everyone else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.

My secret?
Everytime I realize I've fallen a little for my own charade, my self-loathing deepens....because I don't deserve even that momentary comfort

My secret?
I don't know what to do anymore...I barely feel anything anymore...the emptyness is consuming me...all of me except for the one thing I want to be empty...I'm losing my soul, but my weight stays the same...I can feel all the things people love me for: my humor, my kindness, my sarcasm....everything....all slipping away, and part of me doesn't mind...because on some level I think that if I lose everything else first, the weight HAS to follow....

My secret?
I know that I'm living a lie, but I. Just. Can't. Stop.

My secret?
Plainly and simply: I'm terrified of myself....