On a good note, all of my clothes are loose. Which means that I’ve probably lost weight. I can’t really check that though because I’m at school and have to access to a scale.
On a different note, my depression is getting worse. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the last three nights in a row. And my insomnia has done a 180 and turned into constant fatigue. It’s never been this bad before. I know that this is not healthy, and that I need to do something about it, but I’m too terrified.
What if I get the help i need for my mental health, but that doesn’t fix anything? What if they try and force me to get treatment for my ED? What if they tell my family? I need to get some things off of my chest to a real live person that I won’t have to face the next day and see their disdain. Otherwise I feel like I might self-destruct at any moment.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Panic attack
Holy. CRAP.
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....
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