Saturday, March 27, 2010

Not letting it show...

Life sucks. I've been really busy and I jsut couldn't put up with the constant questioning/concern about my eating so I've been eating. A lot. And I'm getting fat again.
To make things worse, a girl I considered my close friend decided to tell a guy that I like that I like him. No everything is super awkward and his entire group of friends as well as about half the school knows as well by now. The worst part is I have to act like I dont' know any of this because one of his friends kind of told me in strictest confidence and I don't want to fuck up everything for him too because he's actually a nice guy.
Apparently, I'm not supposed to take this in a negative way. The guy that I like doesn't know what to do. I think that kind of means I'm repulsive in a way. Because seriously, if I wasn't, there wouldn't be any debate would there? I'm 99% sure it's because of how fat I've gotten in the past month.
I've decided something from today. I'm officially no longer turning my back on my ED. It's always there for me in a way that even my friends aren't any more. Plus about half of my friends group is in Oxford for revision courses so it'll be so much easier to just let the euphoria of hunger take over now....I WILL be thin...I HAVE to be thin....because NO ONE wants a fatty....fattys are worthless and at the moment, that's unfortunately what I am. I know there's a thin person inside of me somewhere....I'm just going to starve the fatty to get her out....wish me luck!