Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...

Life sucks and I've been eating waay too much lately...I'm gonna try getting salt out of the Essaal today...hopefully it will work and I can purge when there is no one else around in the house. I live with 7 other girls. Speaking of which, one of those girls is a heinous bitch that i can't stand...the ex-girlfriend of my best friend...and the kicker? He's still in love with her...he knows what an awful hideous person she is and is still in love with HER! She's ugly too...I mean yeah, she's thin, but fat thin, as in everything is all wobbly and giggly...it's really gross...my other best friend had her heart broken by my male best friend and now i feel awkward whenever i'm in the same room as the two of them...Although I'm getting such a kick out of being a bitch...my day could suck but then I just have to piss off the bitch and I'm all happy again...it's like magic!!! And i was wrong about people not noticing my eating habits changing because of the pills...I'm starting to get wierd looks whenever I ask for a smaller portion or say I'm not hungry...I think they're starting to catch on to me...and it's too cold for me to be motivated to go outside and exercise here and I can't do it in front of my roomie without getting curious looks...so no exercise in a while!!!! THIS SUCKS!!! TOO much DRAMA!!!! AND I'm getting FATTER!!!! not just fat, but fatTER!!!! I hate life right now...

Trying to find the bright side...

I'm going through all the positive things that can come out of all the shit that has happened to me recently....maybe if I get it all out, I'll feel better. So here goes:
1. With all the suppressed feelings, I'm to angry or plain emotional to eat too much.
2. I can blame my lack of appetite on the iron-pills I'm now taking for anaemia.
3. If I manage to throw up and someone catches me I can blame it on said pills.
4. If my best friends do get together, maybe they won't notice that something is wrong so much.
On the other hand...this could backfire...they'll notice even more and act like my parents even more if they combine my disturbing behaviors that they have seen individually together...but that's assuming I'm actually important enough to even be mentioned by them...
5. I can fit into things I couldn't before (not without severe discomfort and looking like a completely beached whale anyways) and some of my stuff that fit before is now loose...
Slight con, I don't know my weight because I don't have access to a scale here and if i asked for one, I'm pretty sure I would be getting force-fed three meals (or more...ughhhh) a day...
That's it for now...I have to get studying for a massive Biology exam I have in the morning...

I'm losing it...

People are starting to notice something's wrong with me...I found out today that they talk about me, and how I concern them, from the friend who I have feelings for. He kinda told me on accident...I was walking back from the bathroom and walked in just as he told my roomie/best friend that I do seem really depressed and agrees with my other friend that there is something seriously wrong...Well there is, but I'm too damn proud to tell them that. So what? I'm depressed. I've been feeling depressed since the middle of summer...and it's getting worse...I can't eat without feeling gross...and everytime I go to the bathroom I feel like the sinfully empty porcelian toilet is begging me to hurl the contents of my disgustingly distended stomach into it's abyss....and I really don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself no. I know how i can make myself throw up without fail...warm salt water. It works on me like magic...my friend forced it down my throat when i was too drunk to function because I didn't throw up when three different people stuck their hands down my throat...The only problem is getting the salt...everything is in the Essaal here...and people will notice if i walk out with a container of salt. I'm just trying to find a way to do it subtly...because i want to throw it all up because maybe if I'm actually empty I can justify why i feel empty all the time anyways...maybe because then I'll be the one controlling the emptyness...I'm just so sick of things not going my way...I want to be able to completely control something for once in my life...

I'm back

I know I'm probably just writing this to myself, but if anyone actually reads this...sorry it's been a while...I've had a really shitty couple of weeks....Last week, my friend and his girlfriend broke up and now I'm being labeled as a bitch because I still spend time with him. On Monday, I almost passed out, and had to get some tests run, which meant, NO SPORTS...not so good when you're trying to lose wieght...and everyone seems to be trying to forcefeed me...it's a little unnerving...anywho...now, by best friend and roommate has feelings for the friend that just broke up with his gf...and guess what? so do I...I just don't want to say anything...I've had them since around May this year, but because he was in a relationship didn't say anything...and the sad thing is, since she's my best friend and I know they'd be good together as much as i don't want anything to happen, I can't say i don't want them to be happy...plus I'd never have a shot anyways...she's gorgeous, and smart, and cute (in a not-like-your-little-sister-way)....AND, the kicker, at LEAST 10 kilos thinner than me...who would want me (a fat, ugly cow) when they could have her? And the worse thing...he wants me to eat more, because apparently, I'm not eating enough...(that's why I almost passed out according to him) Today he practically forced pasta down my throat while I was sitting next to her....I felt so disgusting....and I refuse to let myself purge...I don't want to let myself figure out how to purge because I'm scared of what I'll become if i let myself cross that line....I've wanted to so badly for the last week...and I've held on this long, but the urge gets stronger every time I eat...I don't know how much longer I can resist...