I'm losing it...

People are starting to notice something's wrong with me...I found out today that they talk about me, and how I concern them, from the friend who I have feelings for. He kinda told me on accident...I was walking back from the bathroom and walked in just as he told my roomie/best friend that I do seem really depressed and agrees with my other friend that there is something seriously wrong...Well there is, but I'm too damn proud to tell them that. So what? I'm depressed. I've been feeling depressed since the middle of summer...and it's getting worse...I can't eat without feeling gross...and everytime I go to the bathroom I feel like the sinfully empty porcelian toilet is begging me to hurl the contents of my disgustingly distended stomach into it's abyss....and I really don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself no. I know how i can make myself throw up without fail...warm salt water. It works on me like magic...my friend forced it down my throat when i was too drunk to function because I didn't throw up when three different people stuck their hands down my throat...The only problem is getting the salt...everything is in the Essaal here...and people will notice if i walk out with a container of salt. I'm just trying to find a way to do it subtly...because i want to throw it all up because maybe if I'm actually empty I can justify why i feel empty all the time anyways...maybe because then I'll be the one controlling the emptyness...I'm just so sick of things not going my way...I want to be able to completely control something for once in my life...