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Life is Interesting...

I don't know whether things are good or bad but I'm pretty sure after tonight, in the way of friendships and a social life things will suck, but the weight might get better...I don't really eat when I'm upset...for the past week my net calorie intake has been at 900 or less...which I consider pretty good for now...I'm going home in a little over a week, so I can finally weigh myself...bad news...I have shitloads to do before then...but because I'm stressed because of work and the things happening with my friends my lack of appetite hasn't seemed all that wierd to those around me...
Also, something bizarre has been happening...according to my friends this guy, who is admittedly really hot and smart, is practically contantly staring at me...as in he almost fell off his chair once...I didn't see that, but I've noticed it a couple other times...and I don't know if they are just reading too much into things or what...because who would possibly be interested in me? There's not to much to like, much less to stare at, unless it's in a "what is that?" kinda way..I'm just really confused...but he's in England for a couple of days...so I can sort out my thoughts until he comes back...

I fucked up

I got this great new program on my iPod called Lose It! and it helps me monitor exactly how much I eat every day. I would have had an amazing day of only 572 calories until I binged and I mean BINGED...I ate 498 disgusting calories of chocolate covered raisins. I wish I could puke. That's almost as many calories as I consumed from other foods today. I technically am still under my daily allowance f 1,200 calories a day, to lose 20 pounds by Feb., but I still feel gross...I think I might do intense pilates abs and ass workout in my room while my roomie's gone at an event for her service...that way I'll burn off those calories in a little over 3 hours...or less...if I add in these amazing moves I picked up from this article online...My legs are getting thinner (they barely touch when I wear flat shoes anymore, and don't touch at all if I wear heels), but my stomach is still massive. And I want a human sized ass...mine could be honed in on by a satellite...So long story short...I was bad today...I'm going to make it up tomorrow...will power is the key...and I am strong enough to do this...I will be under 1000 calories tomorrow and no binging...chocolate has to disappear from my diet entirely...only fruit if I get a sweet craving...yummy, negative calorie fruit.

Thoughts

I am worthless. I feel copmletely worthless all the time. Like my fat ass is a waste of space. Like everytime I lose control I deserve to live less and less; because if I can't control myself, then why should I even be here?
I feel worthless every time I lie and say I'm fine, especially to my friends. I even feel worthless about writing this, because as usual, no one else is there. It's just me, myself and I, as always. I wish I could say I'm okay with that, but I'm not. I never have been. I feel worse every time someone says something nice to me, because it seems like I'm so pathetic, they're being nice out of pity. I don't want their pity. I just want to be accepted for me. And me is not good enough. I need to be better. I need to be thinner. I need to be smarter. I need to be more graceful. Because then maybe I'll be worth something more than their pity.