Hello again...

I know it's been a while....a really LONG while...I'm not very good at keeping up with this....Sorry...Just another thing to add to the list of my failures...
Nothing I had hoped to achieve this semester actually happened.
My weight...the same...I think...the only time I have access to a scale is around 6 pm-ish when I go the gym (which I've been awful about lately....) And I've always eaten before and drank tons of water....and am wearing like 4 layers....so I hope that adds up to about the 4 pound difference from what the scale at home told me when I weighed myself first thing every morning....the moment of truth will be when I fly home in 2 weeks and 2 days....yes on Christmas eve....my school is evil....finals finish on the 23rd....which brings me to my second point of failure....
My grades....suck. Not suck as in failing or anything, but as for getting into med school...i might as well be....I have 2 A's, one B and one.....gulp....C....in CHEMISTRY!!!! I'm a BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR!!!!! I find that kinda sad/depressing....and this is probably exhibit A of why I'm not doing the best....I should be studying for finals right now so i could fix that, but what am I doing? Blogging....I'm gonna call this a mental health session or something, even though it's kinda the opposite....
I haven't been socializing much....I've been isolating myself again....I just don't feel like having to put up a front for people....having to turn down food....explain why I'm always shaky.....or have to come up with something to say so they don't catch on....I'm starting to get worried....my two good friends have started making a lot of ED comments recently....I said I ate too much recently and they just looked at me and suggested I do as the Romans do and purge...and then laughed...I didn't, because that's what I actually wanted to do....and they looked at me really funny...so on and so forth...and now the holidays are coming up, which means extended time with the fam...them criticizing what I will or won't eat....FUN TIMES!!!!
not.
My one friend has also been pressuring me to go see the counselor here....it's free and she basically said....you need therapy....LOTS of it....and she admits she's fucked up but that she can see that I might actually be worse, despite me not wanting to admit it....this coming from a girl who tried to commit suicide two years ago....I feel lovely that I'm supposedly somewhere worse than that....
On a slightly happier note....I get a lot of comments from random men here in New York....I don't know if it's actually genuine or if they're just mocking me....either way, for the first couple minutes after someone random walks up to you and tells you you're beautiful, you feel happier about yourself...and then being me, you start analyzing everything that needs to be fixed....and it fades....
I need to do better this next year....either way, focusing on the positive, I've kept the weight off for over a year now, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be getting thinner and thinner by the day, instead of waking up every morning and seeing exactly the same amount of DISGUSTING fat as the day before....I can't handle this lack of progress but at the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I let myself start the spiral whole-heartedly again...because at the moment, I'll do it for a few days and then stop myself.....I'm terrified of what I could achieve if I truly let myself achieve it....is that why I keep making myself fail at everything I attempt?