Wednesday, April 27, 2011


I screwed up....
I broke the no-chocolate rule...I was walking home from class and I stopped in CVS to get something to drink cuz it's a million degrees in NYC right now...and I saw the Easter chocolate on sale....I swear I don't think I was even controlling my actions any more...before I knew it I was in my room with wrappers around me...I'm so ashamed. I mean I couldn't eat a 400 calorie sandwich because of the guilt today, but I can zone out and eat about 2,000 calories of chocolate in one sitting? NO!!!
I'm just sooo frustrated with myself. It's like I'm literally an addict! I didn't even enjoy it either. It didn't even taste GOOD!!! But could I stop myself? NO! And you want to know what makes it even worse? I feel too sick to go to the gym now....that's right...I am too much of a fat disgusting cow to go to the gym...I need to stop failing. The last few days were perfect and then I had to go and fuck them all up, because that's what i do best....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Day 3

Today was meh. I slightly better net calories-wise. It would have been better, but I couldn't keep going exercise-wise. I felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. Not the most pleasant feeling. Also NO CHOCOLATE TODAY!!! YAY ME!!! Four more days....okay, that kinda depressed me...I'm not even half-way through my no chocolate week, and I'm already fantasizing about having my first bite of chocolate on Sunday...I actually am willing time to go faster so I can have it NOW!!! Anywho...

1 Blueberry Muffin: 510 calories
1 Cup green tea: 2 calories
3/4 cup Vanilla Lowfat Yogurt: 135 calories
1/2 cup Strawberry Halves: 25 calories
1/4 cup Blueberries: 17 calories
1 Cup Spinach : 7 calories
1/2 Cup Chopped Yellow Peppers: 42 calories
1/4 Cup Feta Cheese: 60 calories
1/3 Cup Edamame: 60 calories
2 Tbsp Garlic Hummus: 70 calories
3 oz Baby Carrots: 35 calories
Strawberry Smoothie: 280 calories
Oatmeal Cookie: 310 calories

1 hour elliptical (aerobic program):4.76 miles, 575 calories

Total: 978 calories

P.S. I think I'm going to try and stay in the 800-1200 net calorie range from now's super tough right now but that's because my body hasn't been on an amount this low in a while. It just needs some time to adjust and then this will be a piece of cake (relatively)....Stay strong lovelies!!

Monday, April 25, 2011

The good, the bad and the ugly

Hey guys,
I made it through another day without chocolate!!! YAY ME!!! But what I resorted to eating to NOT eat chocolate=BAD, BAD VERY BAD!!!!
1 Blueberry Muffin: 510
1 Cup Green Tea: 2
1/2 Banana: 100
Mixed Green Salad with Strawberries, Feta, and Pecans: 380
2 Tsp hummus: 70
3 oz Baby carrots: 35
6oz Raspberries
1 cup nonfat Cottage Cheese: 160
2 Pop Tart Strawberry Pastries: 400 (REALLY didn't need those, but I needed carbs really bad and in a moment of desperation i went for the only non-chocolate, semi-appetizing thing in the vending machine)

1 hour on the elliptical (Fat Burning Hills mode) : 645 calories, 5.45 miles

Total:1,100 net calories

I know it's not even that bad, but I still feel like an obese cow for eating that much today. I really wanted to be at 800 today, no more than 900 and I would have succeeded if not for those stupid pop tarts.
But alas, tomorrow is a new day...and I'm going to do chocolate...and no pop tarts...and the same amount of gym minimum. Hopefully SOMETHING will change if I can keep this up for the rest of the week....five more days....I can do this?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

New challenge

I've decided to try and not eat any chocolate in any form whatsoever for the next week. That means that not one single M&M will pass my lips. For anyone who doesn't know me this is a huge deal. I'm the type of person that has a severe addiction to chocolate. I think the longest I lasted without a single bite was 2 days.
This is not to loose weight. Chocolate doesn't really make me fat cuz I have a super duper handy chocolate allergy that makes it run through me like water. It's all the stuff that comes with chocolate: the cakes, candies, ice creams, etc. THOSE don't go through me. And my sweet tooth has been hyper-active lately.
I've pretty much made it through day one. Hopefully I can make it through another 6 days of this.

I found this article today. I find it rather amusing and honest.

A Modest Weight-Loss Proposal

As a practicing physician it never ceases to amaze me when an overweight patient doesn’t follow my advice. After a Yale University liberal-arts education, a degree in psychology, four years of medical school, an Internal Medicine residency, four years of emergency room work and more…where did I go wrong?

Usually people respond positively to my gravitas and depth of knowledge. The recommendations I give can make an enormous difference…after all, we are talking about life-shortening, debilitating chronic illnesses, the ones precipitated and worsened by overweight.

Why don’t most overweight or obese Americans slavishly follow the warnings of the medical community? It’s certainly not from lack of publicity: every newspaper and television show seems to have an article or segment devoted to health issues. Yet only 5-10% of dieters keep the pounds off permanently and never revert to their former bad habits. What’s wrong with the other 90%? Aren’t they afraid of death?

Somewhat sheepishly I have often posed to colleagues the hypothesis that there is only one diet that would really work wonders. I call it The April 15th Diet. Don’t bother to look for the recipe book, spin-off products, or in fact any nutritional information. On The April 15th Diet you can eat unlimited portions of anything that you want for almost 365 days. Sounds terrific, no?

Then on April 15th of every year you will report to the local post office. After your retina scan and DNA sample pass inspection, you will hand the clerk a notarized copy of your previous year’s income tax returns. You will then step onto a special scale that will measure height and weight, immediately calculating your Body Mass Index. A bar-code sticker will be printed and affixed to your tax return. Then you are done for the day.

Several months later you will receive an envelope from the Internal Revenue Service. They will have audited your tax return and calculated your refund.This amount, however, will be adjusted downwards for every unit of Body Mass Index higher than ideal. Only people who demonstrate sufficient personal responsibility, self-control, and successful results will qualify for a full refund. Incomplete efforts, “trying” or total neglect will lead to incrementally increasing deduction from the funds. Parents are also penalized for the behavior and overweight of their children.

The money saved by instituting this program would be incalculable. Since overweight and obese American will eventually divert money from the healthcare system to pay for their insulin injections, cardiac surgery, dialysis treatments and seeing-eye dogs, it is economically wiser to extract some sort of pre-payment beforehand. Illnesses that affect all people equally (cancer,

influenza, broken bones) should be “paid for” by all citizens since they are all more or less at identical risk. However, the concerned citizen of the future might ask his obese neighbor: “You pay for your own ice cream. Why should I share the cost of your medication, hospitalization and nursing care?”

Americans share only two things in common: death and taxes. The fear of premature death is not sufficient to motivate people to lose weight. The possible loss of disposable income, on the other hand, would certainly change hearts, minds and bellies very quickly. Memberships in health clubs would sky-rocket, especially in March. Nutritionists, rather than accountants, would have to work around the clock in early April. Cobwebs and tumbleweeds would surround fast-food stores, and long lines would form at salad bars at the crack of dawn.

Get angry, stamp your feet, write a Letter to the Editor! I know that The April 15th Diet is the worst diet that you ever heard of…but boy would it work!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I need to be honest.

I kinda failed at the fasting thing. I haven't fasted in so long that I forgot some basics. For example, fasting while bleeding from your uterus tends not to work so well. Yesterday, I was doing really well, but around 20 hours after I started my fast I started to feel like I was about to blackout. So I ate. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to pass out and have to be taken to the hospital or anything. I've been relatively good though since then. But lesson learned: only fast when you're not losing blood. I think I'll try again next weekend when I won't be on my period and hopefully it'll go better then.
Either way I'm not too disappointed. Even though I didn't make it an entire day, when I weighed myself this morning I weighed 152.2 pounds. That's a drop of 3.8 pounds!!!! If I can accomplish that in 20 hours I can definitely do better next weekend for two whole days!!!! Super excited about it now!!!

tinie tiny waists

Just some picks of the set of a commercial the members of Girls Aloud did. Their waists are sooooo tiny!!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

I've decided to do a fast...

Yeah...I've been kinda stuck in a weight loss rut...also this last week has been really bad in the weight loss effort department. I only went to the gym twice....last week i went 6 times....also I ate like utter crap because I had a really stressful week and NO time to attempt to make healthy choices. At least my weight stayed the same. So I've decided to do a break through that barrier and get out all the crap that I put in this week. So the plan for the nest two days is as follows:

Exercise for at least 45 minutes a day

On Monday I plan on reinstating food....primarily liquid (soup and yogurt) for breakfast and lunch with maybe a salad for dinner.

Hopefully I drop a couple pounds in the process. :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I think I'm in the middle of a breakdown...

I've been super obsessive about he gym lately....and people have started to notice. My friends have started to complain that they never see me anymore....and I've tried to tell them that I'm just stressed and have a lot of work to do, but it's starting to piss me off. I almost snapped at my one friend and said that "You want to know why I'm not hanging out anymore? Because you're lazy and complain about how shitty things are and never do anything about it!!! Well I'm trying to do something about how shitty my grades are right now and I can't be around you because you always tr and distract me and tell me that I wasting my time. I'm not!!! You're wasting your won FUCKING life!!!"
But I bit my tongue.....literally. It bled.
This is also the chief friend championing how I need to go to therapy. She says because I have major family, commitment issues to work out. And sleep issues. But I'm terrified of therapy and she's gotten kinda mean about how I need to go. She literally told me that it's my own fault that I'm fucked up because I don't want to get therapy.
I really resent it. I want to just explode at her because she's been in therapy for years and she's still a freaking disgusting mess. She has even worse abandonment and commitment issues than me. And she thinks I should still go to therapy even though it obviously didn't help her.
And I don't wanna have an explosive fight with here because she's my roommate for all of next year. And I really don't want to exist in a toxic roommate environment again.
I also had a full on crying breakdown yesterday. Over Skype with my mother. It wasn't pretty. And my roommate witnessed it. Speaking of her, I also have fantasies where she gets violently ill now. She's always bringing her super annoying LOUD friends to our room where they normally get drunk, high (outside the room, because I'm not losing my housing license because of her) and stay until 3 in the morning. I have work to do. I actually do shit. And they get drunk and watch movies all the time and complain about how hard their program is. So I want her to get violently ill, so she'll feel miserable and none of her friends will come around because they won't want to catch it.
I'm an evil person I know, but right now people in general piss me off and I want to tell them to just go fuck themselves and get over there own stupid selfish problems and their fucking sense of self-entitlement and knowledge because they are FUCKING fucked up as well and have no FUCKING right to judge me.