I've been super obsessive about he gym lately....and people have started to notice. My friends have started to complain that they never see me anymore....and I've tried to tell them that I'm just stressed and have a lot of work to do, but it's starting to piss me off. I almost snapped at my one friend and said that "You want to know why I'm not hanging out anymore? Because you're lazy and complain about how shitty things are and never do anything about it!!! Well I'm trying to do something about how shitty my grades are right now and I can't be around you because you always tr and distract me and tell me that I wasting my time. I'm not!!! You're wasting your won FUCKING life!!!"
But I bit my tongue.....literally. It bled.
This is also the chief friend championing how I need to go to therapy. She says because I have major family, commitment issues to work out. And sleep issues. But I'm terrified of therapy and she's gotten kinda mean about how I need to go. She literally told me that it's my own fault that I'm fucked up because I don't want to get therapy.
I really resent it. I want to just explode at her because she's been in therapy for years and she's still a freaking disgusting mess. She has even worse abandonment and commitment issues than me. And she thinks I should still go to therapy even though it obviously didn't help her.
And I don't wanna have an explosive fight with here because she's my roommate for all of next year. And I really don't want to exist in a toxic roommate environment again.
I also had a full on crying breakdown yesterday. Over Skype with my mother. It wasn't pretty. And my roommate witnessed it. Speaking of her, I also have fantasies where she gets violently ill now. She's always bringing her super annoying LOUD friends to our room where they normally get drunk, high (outside the room, because I'm not losing my housing license because of her) and stay until 3 in the morning. I have work to do. I actually do shit. And they get drunk and watch movies all the time and complain about how hard their program is. So I want her to get violently ill, so she'll feel miserable and none of her friends will come around because they won't want to catch it.
I'm an evil person I know, but right now people in general piss me off and I want to tell them to just go fuck themselves and get over there own stupid selfish problems and their fucking sense of self-entitlement and knowledge because they are FUCKING fucked up as well and have no FUCKING right to judge me.