Friday, September 10, 2010

If you really knew me...

I found this list today while killing time online and I think that at least one of these applies to the people who have used this site:

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Response to Comment

I kinda don't have anything of importance to sya at the moment, but I felt like I should answer this comment

Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.

Friday, September 3, 2010

I am an beached whale....

I'm totally not being hyperbolic this time. I measured myself yesterday thinkning that beacseu I wasn't really eating anything and I was walking everywhere ON TOP of the fact that it's so hot I sweat just thinking about how hot it is. I thought I would have significantly smaller measurements. WRONG. I have gained 5.35 inches in totaly from when I was my thinnest this January. THe only thing that has shrunk, remarkably are my upper arms which have decreased by half an inch.
Either way....I WILL NOT gain the Freshman 15. That is my top goal this semester. I know that it's a bit screwed up that I'm starting college and my TOP PRIORITY is not to gain the Freshman 15. Not to get good grades. Not to meet more people. Not to get involved. To NOT GAIN WEIGHT. Admittedly the others are on the list too....but that's just the way my fucked up brain works.
I'm actually going to endevour to LOSE the Freshman 15. Yes. Hopefully in a year I will be AT LEAST 130 pounds and officially not in the beached whale category and instead in the fat cow category...But hey....anything is better than this, right?
Sorry I haven;t been around for a while. It's really stressful keeping up appearances with my mom. Although I SWEAR she WANTS me to be fucked up....for example....over the summer she would tell me things like "You've gotten so skinny!" "You need to eat (more)" and then two days later she would say things like, "we definately need to cut back, no one wants to blow up like a balloon, now do they?" I was on my period. It's moments like that when I am 100% sure that my mother WANTS me to have an eating disorder. I mean she's the only one in my family that has ever discovered my disordered eating way back when, and did she make me get treatment? NO. Did she even tell my dad? NO. And then she goes around telling me that she and I need to go on a diet and that we should loose 5-10 pounds or so and THEN we'll look great. And then she goes into panic mode the second I say "I'm not hungry". I don't get it. I hate mothers.