Friday, January 29, 2010

Angry at myself

I had a really shitty day yesterday I had about 1100 calories net and I couldn't stop myself from eating!!! I felt soooo gross....and then that evening one of my friends asked me how much i weighed....and suprisingly I answered honestly...and her only response, "THAT much? I though you were waaaaay less that that...well at least you look it..."
On one hand, I'm flattered that I look a lot skinnier than I am. But at the same time, it reminds me how massive I actually am...I've lost about 7.2 kilos in the past 6 months and I was proud of that, but I'm still waaay too large....I want to double my amount lost...It'll bring me to about 57.8 kilos or 127 pounds.
I think I would be happy with that. At the moment I'm about 65 kilos or 143 pounds....I'll have access to a scale in about a week and a half, so we'll see then....I better not have gained ANY weight.
Today was a good day though, only about 600 net calories and it's 8 pm and I've already had dinner....I just need to fight off the binge monster that normally appears in about an hour or so...I'm not fucking things up for myself anymore...I worked out hard today and I ate well...I will not give into the chocolate mousse in the fridge...I think my control is finally starting to come back, thank god.
I especially need to be good today because tomorrow is girls-night-out...and that means alcohol....lots of empty least it's not carbs or something...At least this way I won't feel too gross about it...I've been waaay too good about that the last couple weeks and I need to just let loose for a night...

Friday, January 22, 2010

Some good, some bad

Good news from an ana perspective, I have a stomach bug....which means that in the past two days combined i've comsumed maybe 500 calories combined that haven't been thrown back up...I actually feel thin and it's amazing!!!!
Bad the past day and a half i've been called out no less than five times by my friends for my habits.
Instance 1: Wing meeting and the mentor announces there is going to be an eating disorder seminar for people with eds and people who know people with one friend and my roomie look at me and start asking me very awkward questions about eds and what they was like being interrogated.
Instance 2: I am now going to the gym with my roomie three times a week for no less than an hour each time. My one good friend also from instance one, looked at me and asked, "Why are you so obsessed with working out all of a sudden? You know you don't need to lose weight or anything, right?" (like i believe that, but whatever....)
Instance 3: Same friend brought me food (white bread is all i'm allowed to eat) after I was up the whole night puking....I said that was a very sweet thought but I don't know if i'd be able to keep it down because everything i consume comes right back up and he made a reference to bulimia.
Instance 4: My friend, G, we'll call her came by while I was sick, and she said that one of my housemates said she lost weight and she didn't really think she'd lost that much (only about a kilo or two) and then she said she hadn't lost NEARLY as much as me and then asked why i don't really eat anything anymore...
Instance 5: At dinner before my stomach virus started....I was eating A LOT....Like 2 whole bagels (ick....but I didn't put anything on them at least) and i made an offhand comment about how i was grossly overeating at the moment and the entire table kinda blankly stared at me until my roomie said, "I'm glad yo're finally eating SOMETHING again...besides we just did a long workout, you need the energy..."
I feel like an intervention is coming up and as much as I know I'm letting ana control me, I don't want to let go of it just yet....

Monday, January 18, 2010

life sucks...

I got rejected...again....The male species is impossible!!! They act like one thing, but always mean something else! I'm just tooo disguting. I know it. No one wants a fat, ugly cow. No one EVER wants something that disgusting. And I am definately still that disgusting...
On the plus side, yesterday was an amazing day for ana....I went to the gym for almost two hours and between the eliptical, the rowing machine and the stregth training i did, I burnt about 450 calories....that's great considering that my goal is to have less then 1,000 net calories a day, that way, even if I'm a pig, I still burn about 500 calories, just by living...I burned an extra 200 yesterday....I was doing so well until I pigged out on Nutella at the end of th day...I still only had about 800 net cals though.
I'm gonna try to do better though....I've officially started with my new fitness plan. I'm going to look good in a bathing suit this year if it kills me. Or, at the very least, better than previous years. I'm working out at least 30 minutes every day. I'm doing an hour of gym (minimum) on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday, I do an hour of aerobics. And on Monday, I do an hour of yoga before gym. On Tuesday and Thursday I also am gonna do Pilates or a video or two off of ExerciseTV. That's enough to start off with I think for now.
I might also start cutting down on the cals even more. I can even blame it on my newest guy fiasco if my friends ask about itAt least I can turn the shit in my life into something positive.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I need support

I'm pretty sure that no one reads this blog, but if anyone does I could really use an ana/mia buddy right now...I'm trying so hard but I keep failing...I was really gross today...and I can't make myself puke, despite trying....normally at home, I would do a form of laxative (mineral oil), but I don't have any at boarding school and my friends will wonder why i need it...I don't wanna have to purge and I can't here!!! There is no privacy here so purging is difficult to say the least. I just need the motivation to keep the calories down to begin with. If anyone out there reads this, your help would be more than appreciated. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Sorry it's been a while...

I have had an interesting week. I slipped on ice Monday and bruised my tailbone so badly that I'm still in pain. Because of that I was not able to keep with one of my New Year resolutions: To work out for 30 minutes each weekday. But today I managed to succeed partially. I found this great workout here: . It felt amazing but I started dying after the X-crunches....I'm soooo out of shape...I'm gonna be able to do that whole thing without any problems very soon I decided. I also noticed something. When you tell your friends you're not hungry, you get ENDLESS lectures about how you need to eat, and yadayadayada.... BUT, if you TAKE food, it doesn't even really matter how much, they don't say anything...Either I only take a little (1/4 cup of bell peppers with vinegar) or actual dinner, eat three bites and push the rest around on my plate. Either way it's working out so far.
I was so happy to be at home and have a scale...I officially wiegh 145...I find that amazing...I weigh the least I have EVER weighed in the past 4 years...I'm already halfway to my "acceptable" goal : 130. I've realized that if my friends are giving me grief about losing so much weight already, that's probably the lowest I can go without provoking an intervention. Although, I've found new ways to phrase things so that my friends are more supportive. For example, my roomie who is super skinny, is complaining that she's really out of shape, so we're going to the gym at least 3 times a week for an hour or two...I've also become completely anal about the taste of ketchup: read I hate it with a PASSION! And since most food at our school involves ketchup or creme friache (ughhhhh I also loathe it...) I have a good excuse not to eat it....I've been constistently under 100 calories a day since I've gone back to school and so far nothing too terrible has happened...
Everyone has noticed I lost weight....They should I lost 8 kilos....approximately 18 pounds since the start of summer...none of my old clothes really fit anymore and my mother actually said I'm GETTING thin...The only bad thing is when it provokes concern...I have two really good friends who I now feel monitor what I eat and am constantly bombarded with "Aren't you gonna eat something?" Or "Aren't you going to get more?" And if I ever ask to try a bite of something, to avoid suspicion....they shove most of it into my mouth or hand/plate....then I look bad if I don't eat it...I'm mildly confused as to what to do about those two friends....
I also fucked up last night....I think my roomie knows there is something going on with me...I said I fet gross cuz I've been eating too much lately (totally true) and she said something along the lines. "You're actually eating really healthy. Sure we eat every 3 hours (school's meal schedule works that way...) but you're not eating a lot each time and it's mostly healthy. In fact, you could probably eat a lot more." Followed by a very wierd look...I don't know what I'm gonna do about that either...
Sorry this post is so long. I just have a lot going on in my head...

Monday, January 4, 2010

I have a confession to make

I lied when I posted my starting wieght as 149. Sad, right? I lie to, well, who am I kidding, myself, because even 149 felt less disgusting than what I weighed. I started out the summer at my high weight of 163. I am currently fluctuating between 145 and 147. But then again, that's probably because I'm gonna start my period in a day or two. So in th past 5 months I've lost 18 pounds. I feel that's amazing, but still I feel immensly fat. To make things worse I think I've reached the point of no return.
Yesterday I went to see the Rose Parade floats with my sister, mother and her friend and kids. The entire place smelled of food: funnel cakes, popcorn, pretzels. My mom kept trying to buy me something from the food vendors but all I could think of was the fatty foods making my cottage cheese thighs even worse. And I started crying. My mother thinks its because I was just being a brat, but I know better. I can't look at an item of food without seeing it as making me fat. I still eat, but I can't eat in front of people anymore. I feel disgusting. Like they're watching me. In revulsion. And I, in thurn feel repulsed. I'm spiraling downwards and I don't think I can stop, nor do I want to.