Monday, January 4, 2010

I have a confession to make

I lied when I posted my starting wieght as 149. Sad, right? I lie to, well, who am I kidding, myself, because even 149 felt less disgusting than what I weighed. I started out the summer at my high weight of 163. I am currently fluctuating between 145 and 147. But then again, that's probably because I'm gonna start my period in a day or two. So in th past 5 months I've lost 18 pounds. I feel that's amazing, but still I feel immensly fat. To make things worse I think I've reached the point of no return.
Yesterday I went to see the Rose Parade floats with my sister, mother and her friend and kids. The entire place smelled of food: funnel cakes, popcorn, pretzels. My mom kept trying to buy me something from the food vendors but all I could think of was the fatty foods making my cottage cheese thighs even worse. And I started crying. My mother thinks its because I was just being a brat, but I know better. I can't look at an item of food without seeing it as making me fat. I still eat, but I can't eat in front of people anymore. I feel disgusting. Like they're watching me. In revulsion. And I, in thurn feel repulsed. I'm spiraling downwards and I don't think I can stop, nor do I want to.

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