Saturday, December 26, 2009

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Life is Interesting...

I don't know whether things are good or bad but I'm pretty sure after tonight, in the way of friendships and a social life things will suck, but the weight might get better...I don't really eat when I'm upset...for the past week my net calorie intake has been at 900 or less...which I consider pretty good for now...I'm going home in a little over a week, so I can finally weigh myself...bad news...I have shitloads to do before then...but because I'm stressed because of work and the things happening with my friends my lack of appetite hasn't seemed all that wierd to those around me...
Also, something bizarre has been happening...according to my friends this guy, who is admittedly really hot and smart, is practically contantly staring at me...as in he almost fell off his chair once...I didn't see that, but I've noticed it a couple other times...and I don't know if they are just reading too much into things or what...because who would possibly be interested in me? There's not to much to like, much less to stare at, unless it's in a "what is that?" kinda way..I'm just really confused...but he's in England for a couple of days...so I can sort out my thoughts until he comes back...

Friday, December 4, 2009

I fucked up

I got this great new program on my iPod called Lose It! and it helps me monitor exactly how much I eat every day. I would have had an amazing day of only 572 calories until I binged and I mean BINGED...I ate 498 disgusting calories of chocolate covered raisins. I wish I could puke. That's almost as many calories as I consumed from other foods today. I technically am still under my daily allowance f 1,200 calories a day, to lose 20 pounds by Feb., but I still feel gross...I think I might do intense pilates abs and ass workout in my room while my roomie's gone at an event for her service...that way I'll burn off those calories in a little over 3 hours...or less...if I add in these amazing moves I picked up from this article online...My legs are getting thinner (they barely touch when I wear flat shoes anymore, and don't touch at all if I wear heels), but my stomach is still massive. And I want a human sized ass...mine could be honed in on by a satellite...So long story short...I was bad today...I'm going to make it up tomorrow...will power is the key...and I am strong enough to do this...I will be under 1000 calories tomorrow and no binging...chocolate has to disappear from my diet entirely...only fruit if I get a sweet craving...yummy, negative calorie fruit.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thoughts

I am worthless. I feel copmletely worthless all the time. Like my fat ass is a waste of space. Like everytime I lose control I deserve to live less and less; because if I can't control myself, then why should I even be here?
I feel worthless every time I lie and say I'm fine, especially to my friends. I even feel worthless about writing this, because as usual, no one else is there. It's just me, myself and I, as always. I wish I could say I'm okay with that, but I'm not. I never have been. I feel worse every time someone says something nice to me, because it seems like I'm so pathetic, they're being nice out of pity. I don't want their pity. I just want to be accepted for me. And me is not good enough. I need to be better. I need to be thinner. I need to be smarter. I need to be more graceful. Because then maybe I'll be worth something more than their pity.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...

Life sucks and I've been eating waay too much lately...I'm gonna try getting salt out of the Essaal today...hopefully it will work and I can purge when there is no one else around in the house. I live with 7 other girls. Speaking of which, one of those girls is a heinous bitch that i can't stand...the ex-girlfriend of my best friend...and the kicker? He's still in love with her...he knows what an awful hideous person she is and is still in love with HER! She's ugly too...I mean yeah, she's thin, but fat thin, as in everything is all wobbly and giggly...it's really gross...my other best friend had her heart broken by my male best friend and now i feel awkward whenever i'm in the same room as the two of them...Although I'm getting such a kick out of being a bitch...my day could suck but then I just have to piss off the bitch and I'm all happy again...it's like magic!!! And i was wrong about people not noticing my eating habits changing because of the pills...I'm starting to get wierd looks whenever I ask for a smaller portion or say I'm not hungry...I think they're starting to catch on to me...and it's too cold for me to be motivated to go outside and exercise here and I can't do it in front of my roomie without getting curious looks...so no exercise in a while!!!! THIS SUCKS!!! TOO much DRAMA!!!! AND I'm getting FATTER!!!! not just fat, but fatTER!!!! I hate life right now...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Trying to find the bright side...

I'm going through all the positive things that can come out of all the shit that has happened to me recently....maybe if I get it all out, I'll feel better. So here goes:
1. With all the suppressed feelings, I'm to angry or plain emotional to eat too much.
2. I can blame my lack of appetite on the iron-pills I'm now taking for anaemia.
3. If I manage to throw up and someone catches me I can blame it on said pills.
4. If my best friends do get together, maybe they won't notice that something is wrong so much.
On the other hand...this could backfire...they'll notice even more and act like my parents even more if they combine my disturbing behaviors that they have seen individually together...but that's assuming I'm actually important enough to even be mentioned by them...
5. I can fit into things I couldn't before (not without severe discomfort and looking like a completely beached whale anyways) and some of my stuff that fit before is now loose...
Slight con, I don't know my weight because I don't have access to a scale here and if i asked for one, I'm pretty sure I would be getting force-fed three meals (or more...ughhhh) a day...
That's it for now...I have to get studying for a massive Biology exam I have in the morning...

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm losing it...

People are starting to notice something's wrong with me...I found out today that they talk about me, and how I concern them, from the friend who I have feelings for. He kinda told me on accident...I was walking back from the bathroom and walked in just as he told my roomie/best friend that I do seem really depressed and agrees with my other friend that there is something seriously wrong...Well there is, but I'm too damn proud to tell them that. So what? I'm depressed. I've been feeling depressed since the middle of summer...and it's getting worse...I can't eat without feeling gross...and everytime I go to the bathroom I feel like the sinfully empty porcelian toilet is begging me to hurl the contents of my disgustingly distended stomach into it's abyss....and I really don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself no. I know how i can make myself throw up without fail...warm salt water. It works on me like magic...my friend forced it down my throat when i was too drunk to function because I didn't throw up when three different people stuck their hands down my throat...The only problem is getting the salt...everything is in the Essaal here...and people will notice if i walk out with a container of salt. I'm just trying to find a way to do it subtly...because i want to throw it all up because maybe if I'm actually empty I can justify why i feel empty all the time anyways...maybe because then I'll be the one controlling the emptyness...I'm just so sick of things not going my way...I want to be able to completely control something for once in my life...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I'm back

I know I'm probably just writing this to myself, but if anyone actually reads this...sorry it's been a while...I've had a really shitty couple of weeks....Last week, my friend and his girlfriend broke up and now I'm being labeled as a bitch because I still spend time with him. On Monday, I almost passed out, and had to get some tests run, which meant, NO SPORTS...not so good when you're trying to lose wieght...and everyone seems to be trying to forcefeed me...it's a little unnerving...anywho...now, by best friend and roommate has feelings for the friend that just broke up with his gf...and guess what? so do I...I just don't want to say anything...I've had them since around May this year, but because he was in a relationship didn't say anything...and the sad thing is, since she's my best friend and I know they'd be good together as much as i don't want anything to happen, I can't say i don't want them to be happy...plus I'd never have a shot anyways...she's gorgeous, and smart, and cute (in a not-like-your-little-sister-way)....AND, the kicker, at LEAST 10 kilos thinner than me...who would want me (a fat, ugly cow) when they could have her? And the worse thing...he wants me to eat more, because apparently, I'm not eating enough...(that's why I almost passed out according to him) Today he practically forced pasta down my throat while I was sitting next to her....I felt so disgusting....and I refuse to let myself purge...I don't want to let myself figure out how to purge because I'm scared of what I'll become if i let myself cross that line....I've wanted to so badly for the last week...and I've held on this long, but the urge gets stronger every time I eat...I don't know how much longer I can resist...

Sunday, October 25, 2009

New Resolution...

I am not going to eat a single bite of chocolate until my roomie gets back from London on Wednesday...I've already been good for two days which I think is a record for me...and I know it sounds pathetic...chocolate? But chocolate is the one thing i can never quite manage to deny myself...I have a major addiction to chocolate...but I'm not going to let it get between me and being thin...I would rather be my goal weight someday then evr touch chocolate again...I'm refusing to let myself slip until Wednesday...but if I continue to do good...who knows? I'm just going to try and keep going as long as I can...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Doing better...

I only ate ridiculously healthy stuff today...and only after hiking uphill five kilometers in 10 centimeter high heels carrying a five kilo bag of groceries...and then hauling firewood to the house to heat it...i think I burned lots of calories today...I'm proud of myself....can't wait to weigh in tomorrow!!! Hopefully I've dropped another kilo today...I mean I mainly only had water and mandarin oranges today...I'm doing so good...I really wanna keep this up!!!!  Hopefully one day I can have this body:

eliza_dushku_9.jpg

Till then...I'm just gonna have to keep working harder!!! Think Thin!!!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Some good news, some bad news...

Good news: I broke the 150 pound barrier...I'm finally at 149!!!!  I was so ecstatic!!!! But that was two days ago...and I was really good that day...I barely ate anything...only about 250 calories...but i totally binged today...I couldn't help myself....I was bored...it's the only emotion that causes me to eat...I don't eat if I'm stressed, or angry or sad...but boredom...I just can't help myself...and here's the kicker...at the moment...I'm stuck in this tinie tiny little town in soutehrn Germany...that has about 300 people total...max....if that's not an instant recipe for boredom...I don't know what is...so not good...and it's absolutely FREEZING out...so I'm so not motivated to go outside to do anything except get more firewood for the fire in the heater...any suggestions or thoughts to help me out?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I have lost some weight!!!

I don't know how much and I won't know exactly how much for a couple of days until i get to a scale...but I know i have...all, and I mean ALL of my pants are too loose...and people have started noticing...although I think I might not be going gradually enough for them not to notice...i was sick for a couple of days last week, and used that as a good excuse not to eat that much...but then as soon as I was "better" my friends practically force-fed me.  And this morning, one of my friends commented that I wasn't eating that much...I had two small pieces of bread and a hard-boiled egg...I'm still eating...so I don't think it's that noticable...but I'm worried that they are going to think something is worng and intervene, or even worse, contact my mother...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A little about myself

I'm currently seventeen and I have an ED...I've had problems with my weight before, starting from around the time I was twelve...I started binge-eating...my mom found out and then monitored EVERY little thing I ate and I gained the weight back and was doing okay until recently...
I go to a boarding school in Europe, and naturally 99% of the girls at me school are thin...the kind of thin, I have NEVER been...And I was okay with that until recently when my mom dropped me off this year...she looked around at all of the girls here and commented on how great and thin they looked, while giving me a derogatory glance...I just couldn't ake it at that point...I'd lost weight over the summer, and thought that i looked pretty good...but apparently that was never enough...so I started binging again and lowly cut out certain food altogether...and it felt good...and I'm looking better...and I don't want to stop.  Because when you're thin, everything is better. So here are the reasons I want to be thin, and beautiful:
1. To not stick out like a sore thumb at my school of rail thin glamazons.
2. For my mother to not think less of me because I'm not a stick like her or my sister.
3. To make what's on the inside match the outside.
4. So that maybe some guy can be interested in what they see...
5. To be able to wear all the beautiful things I see in stores without looking disgusting in them and insulting the designer who created them...
6. To become something other than the sweet, but fat best friend stereotype...
7. So that maybe I can concentate on other things than how fat i am...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Intro.

Today, I truly noticed how fat I am.  I was looking at some photos form this summer and was completely repulsed...how could i let myself look like that? How could I not have noticed i was that disgusting before now? I have resolved to start several goals as from today and this blog will be my outlet for my frustrations and a motivation for me to keep going...
First of all...I'm going to lose wieght...a lot of it...by the time i graduate I want to be at least 30 pounds lighter and a size 2 preferably...
Secondly...I am going to stop being such an idiot in school...I will pass and I will pass with a good score in my IB...
Thirdy...I will try to post here as often as possible