I'm back

I know I'm probably just writing this to myself, but if anyone actually reads this...sorry it's been a while...I've had a really shitty couple of weeks....Last week, my friend and his girlfriend broke up and now I'm being labeled as a bitch because I still spend time with him. On Monday, I almost passed out, and had to get some tests run, which meant, NO SPORTS...not so good when you're trying to lose wieght...and everyone seems to be trying to forcefeed me...it's a little unnerving...anywho...now, by best friend and roommate has feelings for the friend that just broke up with his gf...and guess what? so do I...I just don't want to say anything...I've had them since around May this year, but because he was in a relationship didn't say anything...and the sad thing is, since she's my best friend and I know they'd be good together as much as i don't want anything to happen, I can't say i don't want them to be happy...plus I'd never have a shot anyways...she's gorgeous, and smart, and cute (in a not-like-your-little-sister-way)....AND, the kicker, at LEAST 10 kilos thinner than me...who would want me (a fat, ugly cow) when they could have her? And the worse thing...he wants me to eat more, because apparently, I'm not eating enough...(that's why I almost passed out according to him) Today he practically forced pasta down my throat while I was sitting next to her....I felt so disgusting....and I refuse to let myself purge...I don't want to let myself figure out how to purge because I'm scared of what I'll become if i let myself cross that line....I've wanted to so badly for the last week...and I've held on this long, but the urge gets stronger every time I eat...I don't know how much longer I can resist...