New Resolution...

I am not going to eat a single bite of chocolate until my roomie gets back from London on Wednesday...I've already been good for two days which I think is a record for me...and I know it sounds pathetic...chocolate? But chocolate is the one thing i can never quite manage to deny myself...I have a major addiction to chocolate...but I'm not going to let it get between me and being thin...I would rather be my goal weight someday then evr touch chocolate again...I'm refusing to let myself slip until Wednesday...but if I continue to do good...who knows? I'm just going to try and keep going as long as I can...

Doing better...

I only ate ridiculously healthy stuff today...and only after hiking uphill five kilometers in 10 centimeter high heels carrying a five kilo bag of groceries...and then hauling firewood to the house to heat it...i think I burned lots of calories today...I'm proud of myself....can't wait to weigh in tomorrow!!! Hopefully I've dropped another kilo today...I mean I mainly only had water and mandarin oranges today...I'm doing so good...I really wanna keep this up!!!!  Hopefully one day I can have this body:

Till then...I'm just gonna have to keep working harder!!! Think Thin!!!!

Some good news, some bad news...

Good news: I broke the 150 pound barrier...I'm finally at 149!!!!  I was so ecstatic!!!! But that was two days ago...and I was really good that day...I barely ate anything...only about 250 calories...but i totally binged today...I couldn't help myself....I was bored...it's the only emotion that causes me to eat...I don't eat if I'm stressed, or angry or sad...but boredom...I just can't help myself...and here's the kicker...at the moment...I'm stuck in this tinie tiny little town in soutehrn Germany...that has about 300 people total...max....if that's not an instant recipe for boredom...I don't know what is...so not good...and it's absolutely FREEZING out...so I'm so not motivated to go outside to do anything except get more firewood for the fire in the heater...any suggestions or thoughts to help me out?

I have lost some weight!!!

I don't know how much and I won't know exactly how much for a couple of days until i get to a scale...but I know i have...all, and I mean ALL of my pants are too loose...and people have started noticing...although I think I might not be going gradually enough for them not to notice...i was sick for a couple of days last week, and used that as a good excuse not to eat that much...but then as soon as I was "better" my friends practically force-fed me.  And this morning, one of my friends commented that I wasn't eating that much...I had two small pieces of bread and a hard-boiled egg...I'm still eating...so I don't think it's that noticable...but I'm worried that they are going to think something is worng and intervene, or even worse, contact my mother...

A little about myself

I'm currently seventeen and I have an ED...I've had problems with my weight before, starting from around the time I was twelve...I started binge-eating...my mom found out and then monitored EVERY little thing I ate and I gained the weight back and was doing okay until recently...

I go to a boarding school in Europe, and naturally 99% of the girls at me school are thin...the kind of thin, I have NEVER been...And I was okay with that until recently when my mom dropped me off this year...she looked around at all of the girls here and commented on how great and thin they looked, while giving me a derogatory glance...I just couldn't ake it at that point...I'd lost weight over the summer, and thought that i looked pretty good...but apparently that was never enough...so I started binging again and lowly cut out certain food altogether...and it felt good...and I'm looking better...and I don't want to stop.  Because when you're thin, everything is better. So here are the reasons I want to be thin, and beautiful:

1. To not stick out like a sore thumb at my school of rail thin glamazons.

2. For my mother to not think less of me because I'm not a stick like her or my sister.

3. To make what's on the inside match the outside.

4. So that maybe some guy can be interested in what they see...

5. To be able to wear all the beautiful things I see in stores without looking disgusting in them and insulting the designer who created them...

6. To become something other than the sweet, but fat best friend stereotype...

7. So that maybe I can concentate on other things than how fat i am...

Intro.

Today, I truly noticed how fat I am.  I was looking at some photos form this summer and was completely repulsed...how could i let myself look like that? How could I not have noticed i was that disgusting before now? I have resolved to start several goals as from today and this blog will be my outlet for my frustrations and a motivation for me to keep going...

First of all...I'm going to lose wieght...a lot of it...by the time i graduate I want to be at least 30 pounds lighter and a size 2 preferably...

Secondly...I am going to stop being such an idiot in school...I will pass and I will pass with a good score in my IB...

Thirdy...I will try to post here as often as possible