Sunday, October 17, 2010

Depressed Ramblings

I almost outed myself the other day to a friend on accident. I feel awful that I'm hiding this from her, especially since she's been open about the psychological difficulties she's had in the past. I was telling her about the tattoo I want to get. I've decided I want to get wings tattooed on my upper back. I'm one of those people who refuses to get a tattoo that doesn't have meaning, so I was telling her that it was meaningful to me on four different levels:
1. A reminder of my dead sister and that I always have a guardian angel looking out for me,
2. A reminder that I can overcome all obstacles.
3. Wings are part of the medical symbol and I since I want to be a doctor, it would be a reminder of my goals.
And then I stopped. She asked me what the fourth one was. The fourth reason is that it would be a reminder of my continual struggle with EDNOS....the wings symbolizing my desire to be thinner, smaller and more perfect when I give into my disorder but also reminding me that this too is a struggle that I can overcome.
I told her I must have miscounted and was just being hyperbolic. I hate lying to people. But if anyone finds out, they'll make me stop and I'm petrified of what will happen if i do. I need this in a way. It's a method to organize my life. It's a measurement of how good my day has been. I know that I'm not happy this way, but that's not really what I'm striving for here anyways is it? I want perfection. If you can't be happy and perfect, I'll chose to be perfect and thus I'll be perfect at making everyone ELSE think I'm happy.
On an even more depressing note: if anyone is familiar with Supersize v.s Superskinny, I was watching the last season recently. I cried through most of them. This season there was an influx of super-skinnies that were moms and trying to change their ways so their kids wouldn't pick up their bad habits. That's exactly what I'm terrified of. My mother did it to me and I don't want tot carry that on to another generation. I managed to shield my sister from my families neurosis about weight (everyone in my family is either deemed too fat or too skinny and then subsequently lectured on how they can become a healthier individual). I'm just terrified at the amount of power i wield to potentially destroy myself and take down so many people that I love doing it.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Sorry it's been a while...

I've been bad....I started college a little more than a month ago and because I didn't want ot have to deal with the questions and the nagging right away. I ate. I wanted to be normal for once and see if could be happy like that. I can't. I wieghed myself the other day...ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!!!!! Admittedly, this was at 11 o'clock at night after a HUGE binge that I STILL feel guilty about, but I was doing so well. Well, not well, passable. Anything other than gaining is acceptable to me. Not ideal, but at least I'm not getting fatTER.
So I've decided to reinstate my ED behavoirs that I've been trying so hard to suppress. I am now back to my strict 1200 net calories a day plan, staying under wherever possible. I'm going to the gym every other day where I must burn at LEAST 400 calories. This must also be done in under an hour. The other days I will do strength training. I'm not sure about the exact regimen, but I'll probably come up with something more concrete in the next two weeks.
Lastly, I'm highly considering posting daily eats online in hopes that having my fatty habits explosed on the internet will shame me into eating less. It's not like my body doesn't have enough fat already. I don't get why i can't just eat some of my MASSIVE thighs wen it gets hungry instead of me having to eat something to make them even bigger!!!! (I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm in a really pissed off mood.) Anywho, let me know what you think.
P.S. YAY!!!!! 3 WHOLE FOLLOWERS!!!! I feel loved. <3