Thursday, February 18, 2010

I'm falling back...

I don't know what is happening with me at the moment. All are know for sure are two things. I gained two kilos and i can't get them to go away. And that I am spiralling downwards toward depression again.
I'll start with the first issue bothering me. I know I should be gentler on myself since I'm on my period, but I can't. I'm fat and I'm getting fatter every second. And I can't stop eating. Why, you ask? Because I am finally not being watched like a hawk anymore. I was so happy to see a scale at the beginning of holidays and see that I had dropped another kilo. But there was a downside.
People had taken notice that I wasn't eating. That I was exercising 4 days a week for an hour or more. Three of those days I run 7-10 kilometers at a pace of roughly 4:50 minutes per kilometer. I follow this with high intensity rowing, weights and core strengthening exercises. I dared to voice that I was eating to much once at dinner and the Spanish Inquisistion began again. Instantly it became, "What are you talking about?" and "You're not eating anything"...
My friends suck at being subtle....I'd mention I was going to the gym and I'd get a "Why are you all of a sudden so interested in working out? You don't need to lose any weight or anything if that's why you're pushing yourself too hard." Or I'd say I'm not feeling very hungry and I'd be asked, "You're never hungry lately, why is that?" And I'd have to spout some BS about being stressed and NEVER being able to eat when stressed.
Now I'm on holidays with two of my closer friends, and I decided to eat more than usual to make them get off my case. The problem is, I can't stop now.
There is something seriously wrong with the world I currently inhabit. Everyone around me is getting fatter, while I stay the same. Doesn't sound like a negative, right? It is. I no longer consider my thin friends thin enough. I see problem areas EVERYWHERE on EVERYONE!!! I'm scared I'm setting my standards for myself too high, but at the same time, is there such as thing as too extreme a goal? Is it really that awful to want to be 130 as my fat, period, bloated weight, and not a gross 146? I'm finding it increasingly harder to answer that question with a no. In fact I'm starting to downright agree with it.
That brings me to my second issue. The depression. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears constantly and for no reason. Well, that's not entirely true. I know why. It's because I'm fat again. If I could just be skinnier, I know I'd be happier....No one can possibly be happy with an extra 5 kilos weighing their ass alone down. That's why I've decided after break things are going to change. Big Time.
I've developed a new set of goals that are going to be implemented the second the clock chimes 12:01 on Monday the 21st.
1. Breakfast. No more than one bread or half a bowl of cereal. Carbs will only be allowed here because I have the rest of the day to burn them off.
2. If I get hungry before lunch I have two options: Apple or a glass of Tea.
3. Carbs and Fat will be avoided as much as possible at all meal times.
4. I will ONLY drink ice-cold stil water from now on. I will carry a bottle with me at all times and I will be drinking 4 liters a day before Easter.
5. When I work out on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I will not stop my workout until I have completed 10 kilometers at least on the eliptical and/or rowing machine combined.
6. Unless there is snow or ice, walk between campuses as much as is possible.
7. Spend more time in the library. Under the pretence of work, I can avoid food and making excuses and maybe actually get better grades.
8. If I go out with the girls and go drinking I wlil only do so on an empty or nearly empty stomach. That way I need to spend less to get drunk.
9. I will try to curb the smoking before it becomes a habit. If I can't help it, find a way to hide it. First priority is to get rid off it because ironically smoking does not make me less hungry but gives me the munchies like no other, which is mildly counterproductive.
10. Vesper. Eat as little as possible and treats (sweet-wise) only once a week, at maximum. Also I am no longer allowed to buy chocolate off of the cafe during my shift. It leads to nasty chocolate binges.
11. I will do my very best to not complain about eating to much, any cravings, or being hungry, as to not arouse suspiscion and or get into fights over my ed. I don't want to lose any friends right now.
12. If I break these rules I must drink a glass of warm salt-water for every one a break. Every. Single. Day.

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