Bittersweet

I woke up this morning super excited because drumroll please.....I weighed 149.6.....this is the first time I've been in the 140s in a while...I feel like I broke through some sort of plateau....then I kinda had a mini-binge of two luna bars....I've been super good until now but I'm having a mild panic attack about what to eat now...I feel like I'm back up to 150 again and I can't take that right now....I'm stupor stressed as is...if my weight could just cooperate it would make life almost bearable right now....anywho....shittons to do...ttyl

Shitty day

Hey everyone...

sorry I've been MIA for like the past 4 months but I was kinda trying to be better/healthy...but I'm weak...I start to get stressed or fail at something and I return to my old EDNOS ways to try and get order...

Anywho I kinda cracked today when I pretty much fucked up one of my classes for the semester....and it's only been one week...

I didn't eat anything the rest of the day after that....so I basically did a 18 hour fast....and I walked about 3 miles to try and clear my head...i feel empty and almost numb....and I don't really mind

I almost miss the numbness that I used to feel when I was at my worst...

On a side-note I found out that my current goal weight is actually healthy....At the moment I am 151.2 pounds and my BMI is 22.5. At my goal weight of 130 I will be 19.3. I hope to reach this goal by Christmas. I'd be happy if I get down to 135 by then though. Ideally I would like to weigh 120-5 giving me a BMI of 17.8-18.6 which is right on the upper edge of unhealthy...I would like to weigh 115 but I tend to look thinner than I weigh, people already tend to guess my weight as about 140....10-5 pounds less than my weight....so if I get down to about 125 I will probably look like I weigh in the teens.....I don't want to get too bony...I look bony from certain angles as is....I just want to be less blobby...

Quick update.

I've decided to re-try the whole no chocolate thing. I've been good for two days so far...my goal this time is to make it to four days. I think I'll gradually work up to going a week. On the weight front I'm about the same. I've decided to up my calories for the next two weeks and zigzag them around a bit. I've noticed that recently although my weight stays the same, I'm weaker and my clothes are tighter...i think it's because I was eating so little for the level of activity i maintain that it was all turning to fat, and taking my muscle with it too....which is exactly what i don't want to happen...so I'm aiming for around an average of 1600 calories a day...with my level of activity though that's about a 1000 calorie deficit, so I don't feel as repulsed by that number as i could be...anywho, hope you all are doing great and having success in getting slim in time for summer...

FUCK!

I screwed up....

I broke the no-chocolate rule...I was walking home from class and I stopped in CVS to get something to drink cuz it's a million degrees in NYC right now...and I saw the Easter chocolate on sale....I swear I don't think I was even controlling my actions any more...before I knew it I was in my room with wrappers around me...I'm so ashamed. I mean I couldn't eat a 400 calorie sandwich because of the guilt today, but I can zone out and eat about 2,000 calories of chocolate in one sitting? NO!!!

I'm just sooo frustrated with myself. It's like I'm literally an addict! I didn't even enjoy it either. It didn't even taste GOOD!!! But could I stop myself? NO! And you want to know what makes it even worse? I feel too sick to go to the gym now....that's right...I am too much of a fat disgusting cow to go to the gym...I need to stop failing. The last few days were perfect and then I had to go and fuck them all up, because that's what i do best....

Day 3

Today was meh. I slightly better net calories-wise. It would have been better, but I couldn't keep going exercise-wise. I felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. Not the most pleasant feeling. Also NO CHOCOLATE TODAY!!! YAY ME!!! Four more days....okay, that kinda depressed me...I'm not even half-way through my no chocolate week, and I'm already fantasizing about having my first bite of chocolate on Sunday...I actually am willing time to go faster so I can have it NOW!!! Anywho...

Intake:

Breakfast:

1 Blueberry Muffin: 510 calories

1 Cup green tea: 2 calories

3/4 cup Vanilla Lowfat Yogurt: 135 calories

1/2 cup Strawberry Halves: 25 calories

1/4 cup Blueberries: 17 calories

Lunch:

1 Cup Spinach : 7 calories

1/2 Cup Chopped Yellow Peppers: 42 calories

1/4 Cup Feta Cheese: 60 calories

1/3 Cup Edamame: 60 calories

Snack:

2 Tbsp Garlic Hummus: 70 calories

3 oz Baby Carrots: 35 calories

Dinner:

Strawberry Smoothie: 280 calories

Oatmeal Cookie: 310 calories

Output:

1 hour elliptical (aerobic program):4.76 miles, 575 calories

Total: 978 calories

P.S. I think I'm going to try and stay in the 800-1200 net calorie range from now on...it's super tough right now but that's because my body hasn't been on an amount this low in a while. It just needs some time to adjust and then this will be a piece of cake (relatively)....Stay strong lovelies!!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Hey guys,

I made it through another day without chocolate!!! YAY ME!!! But what I resorted to eating to NOT eat chocolate=BAD, BAD VERY BAD!!!!

Intake:

Breakfast:

1 Blueberry Muffin: 510

1 Cup Green Tea: 2

1/2 Banana: 100

Lunch:

Mixed Green Salad with Strawberries, Feta, and Pecans: 380

Snack:

2 Tsp hummus: 70

3 oz Baby carrots: 35

Dinner:

6oz Raspberries

1 cup nonfat Cottage Cheese: 160

2 Pop Tart Strawberry Pastries: 400 (REALLY didn't need those, but I needed carbs really bad and in a moment of desperation i went for the only non-chocolate, semi-appetizing thing in the vending machine)

Output:

1 hour on the elliptical (Fat Burning Hills mode) : 645 calories, 5.45 miles

Total:1,100 net calories

I know it's not even that bad, but I still feel like an obese cow for eating that much today. I really wanted to be at 800 today, no more than 900 and I would have succeeded if not for those stupid pop tarts.

But alas, tomorrow is a new day...and I'm going to do better...no chocolate...and no pop tarts...and the same amount of gym minimum. Hopefully SOMETHING will change if I can keep this up for the rest of the week....five more days....I can do this?

New challenge

I've decided to try and not eat any chocolate in any form whatsoever for the next week. That means that not one single M&M will pass my lips. For anyone who doesn't know me this is a huge deal. I'm the type of person that has a severe addiction to chocolate. I think the longest I lasted without a single bite was 2 days.

This is not to loose weight. Chocolate doesn't really make me fat cuz I have a super duper handy chocolate allergy that makes it run through me like water. It's all the stuff that comes with chocolate: the cakes, candies, ice creams, etc. THOSE don't go through me. And my sweet tooth has been hyper-active lately.

I've pretty much made it through day one. Hopefully I can make it through another 6 days of this.

I found this article today. I find it rather amusing and honest.

A Modest Weight-Loss Proposal

As a practicing physician it never ceases to amaze me when an overweight patient doesn’t follow my advice. After a Yale University liberal-arts education, a degree in psychology, four years of medical school, an Internal Medicine residency, four years of emergency room work and more…where did I go wrong?

Usually people respond positively to my gravitas and depth of knowledge. The recommendations I give can make an enormous difference…after all, we are talking about life-shortening, debilitating chronic illnesses, the ones precipitated and worsened by overweight.

Why don’t most overweight or obese Americans slavishly follow the warnings of the medical community? It’s certainly not from lack of publicity: every newspaper and television show seems to have an article or segment devoted to health issues. Yet only 5-10% of dieters keep the pounds off permanently and never revert to their former bad habits. What’s wrong with the other 90%? Aren’t they afraid of death?

Somewhat sheepishly I have often posed to colleagues the hypothesis that there is only one diet that would really work wonders. I call it The April 15th Diet. Don’t bother to look for the recipe book, spin-off products, or in fact any nutritional information. On The April 15th Diet you can eat unlimited portions of anything that you want for almost 365 days. Sounds terrific, no?

Then on April 15th of every year you will report to the local post office. After your retina scan and DNA sample pass inspection, you will hand the clerk a notarized copy of your previous year’s income tax returns. You will then step onto a special scale that will measure height and weight, immediately calculating your Body Mass Index. A bar-code sticker will be printed and affixed to your tax return. Then you are done for the day.

Several months later you will receive an envelope from the Internal Revenue Service. They will have audited your tax return and calculated your refund.This amount, however, will be adjusted downwards for every unit of Body Mass Index higher than ideal. Only people who demonstrate sufficient personal responsibility, self-control, and successful results will qualify for a full refund. Incomplete efforts, “trying” or total neglect will lead to incrementally increasing deduction from the funds. Parents are also penalized for the behavior and overweight of their children.

The money saved by instituting this program would be incalculable. Since overweight and obese American will eventually divert money from the healthcare system to pay for their insulin injections, cardiac surgery, dialysis treatments and seeing-eye dogs, it is economically wiser to extract some sort of pre-payment beforehand. Illnesses that affect all people equally (cancer,

influenza, broken bones) should be “paid for” by all citizens since they are all more or less at identical risk. However, the concerned citizen of the future might ask his obese neighbor: “You pay for your own ice cream. Why should I share the cost of your medication, hospitalization and nursing care?”

Americans share only two things in common: death and taxes. The fear of premature death is not sufficient to motivate people to lose weight. The possible loss of disposable income, on the other hand, would certainly change hearts, minds and bellies very quickly. Memberships in health clubs would sky-rocket, especially in March. Nutritionists, rather than accountants, would have to work around the clock in early April. Cobwebs and tumbleweeds would surround fast-food stores, and long lines would form at salad bars at the crack of dawn.

Get angry, stamp your feet, write a Letter to the Editor! I know that The April 15th Diet is the worst diet that you ever heard of…but boy would it work!

I need to be honest.

I kinda failed at the fasting thing. I haven't fasted in so long that I forgot some basics. For example, fasting while bleeding from your uterus tends not to work so well. Yesterday, I was doing really well, but around 20 hours after I started my fast I started to feel like I was about to blackout. So I ate. I wasn't hungry, but I didn't want to pass out and have to be taken to the hospital or anything. I've been relatively good though since then. But lesson learned: only fast when you're not losing blood. I think I'll try again next weekend when I won't be on my period and hopefully it'll go better then.

Either way I'm not too disappointed. Even though I didn't make it an entire day, when I weighed myself this morning I weighed 152.2 pounds. That's a drop of 3.8 pounds!!!! If I can accomplish that in 20 hours I can definitely do better next weekend for two whole days!!!! Super excited about it now!!!

tinie tiny waists

Just some picks of the set of a commercial the members of Girls Aloud did. Their waists are sooooo tiny!!!

I've decided to do a fast...

Yeah...I've been kinda stuck in a weight loss rut...also this last week has been really bad in the weight loss effort department. I only went to the gym twice....last week i went 6 times....also I ate like utter crap because I had a really stressful week and NO time to attempt to make healthy choices. At least my weight stayed the same. So I've decided to do a fast...to break through that barrier and get out all the crap that I put in this week. So the plan for the nest two days is as follows:

In:

Water

Tea

Laxatives

Multivitamins

Out:

Exercise for at least 45 minutes a day

On Monday I plan on reinstating food....primarily liquid (soup and yogurt) for breakfast and lunch with maybe a salad for dinner.

Hopefully I drop a couple pounds in the process. :)

I think I'm in the middle of a breakdown...

I've been super obsessive about he gym lately....and people have started to notice. My friends have started to complain that they never see me anymore....and I've tried to tell them that I'm just stressed and have a lot of work to do, but it's starting to piss me off. I almost snapped at my one friend and said that "You want to know why I'm not hanging out anymore? Because you're lazy and complain about how shitty things are and never do anything about it!!! Well I'm trying to do something about how shitty my grades are right now and I can't be around you because you always tr and distract me and tell me that I wasting my time. I'm not!!! You're wasting your won FUCKING life!!!"
But I bit my tongue.....literally. It bled.
This is also the chief friend championing how I need to go to therapy. She says because I have major family, commitment issues to work out. And sleep issues. But I'm terrified of therapy and she's gotten kinda mean about how I need to go. She literally told me that it's my own fault that I'm fucked up because I don't want to get therapy.
I really resent it. I want to just explode at her because she's been in therapy for years and she's still a freaking disgusting mess. She has even worse abandonment and commitment issues than me. And she thinks I should still go to therapy even though it obviously didn't help her.
And I don't wanna have an explosive fight with here because she's my roommate for all of next year. And I really don't want to exist in a toxic roommate environment again.
I also had a full on crying breakdown yesterday. Over Skype with my mother. It wasn't pretty. And my roommate witnessed it. Speaking of her, I also have fantasies where she gets violently ill now. She's always bringing her super annoying LOUD friends to our room where they normally get drunk, high (outside the room, because I'm not losing my housing license because of her) and stay until 3 in the morning. I have work to do. I actually do shit. And they get drunk and watch movies all the time and complain about how hard their program is. So I want her to get violently ill, so she'll feel miserable and none of her friends will come around because they won't want to catch it.
I'm an evil person I know, but right now people in general piss me off and I want to tell them to just go fuck themselves and get over there own stupid selfish problems and their fucking sense of self-entitlement and knowledge because they are FUCKING fucked up as well and have no FUCKING right to judge me.

Nomination

I'm soo sorry that it took me so long to respond to christy's nomination.... Thank you...that's realy too sweet of you.


The rules:
1. Thank the person who loved you enough to bestow this gift.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Bestow this honor onto 10 newly discovered or followed bloggers - in no particular order - who are fantastic in some way.
4. Drop by and let your ten new friends know you admire them.

Okay, so seven things about myself:
1. I hate periods. Like the punctuation. But who likes the other kind anyways? If you've read my blog you'll know that I use ellipses a lot...I just don't like the finalluty of periods....elipses fell more like there's a continuity to things...it makes me happier...
2. I am a virgin, but people never believe it when I tell them. I haven't had the best experiences with almost losing it, so I'm kinda permanently wary of sex....i just don't want to be scarred for life like I almost was several times.
3. I am terrified of commitment, because once I open up to someone and they realize how truly fucked up I am, they'll leave. Not one single person in my life knows everything about me.
4. I don't say I love you easily. I think it's overused today and that this has cheapened the meaning of it. Mind you I'm talking about to family, friends, pets...etc....not even significant others here....
5. I love being a paradox....i love emboding the dumb blonde stereotype and then being able to bust out all sorts of medical facts at the drop of a hat....the look on people's faces the first time I tell them that I'm studying Biochemistry and am Pre-med is pretty darn priceless.
6. I want to kidnap almost every dog and/or small child i see on the street. It's not good.....but they're both so innocent and free...it makes me feel almost as if i am too when I surrounded by them.
7. I blush like nothing else....I don't even have to be embarassed and I'll turn bright red....it's part of a fun skin disorder I have called rosacea....my friends have tried to tell me it's awesome cuz I never ned to use blush....but then they always seem to forget I can't really turn it on and off...

One more random little tidbit about me...I'm super indecisive...I love pretty much every blog I follow...I can't chose favorites :)

Some celebrity stats

Just thought it was interesting to put things into perspective. I discovered these two sites recently and while they are rather extreme I feel like I believe them because I know that people don't get that slim eat over 1200 calories a day....

http://www.celebrity-diets.org/how-many-calories-do-celebrities-eat

http://www.celeb-height-weight.psyphil.com/celebrities-height-and-weight-chart-–-celebrity-stats/

Failed....again.

I'm up five pounds. I've been on a semi-continuous mini-binge streak for the past week. It stops today. I will be skinny and I know i can get there if I stick to my rules:
1. Under 1200 calories a day
2. Earn processed carbs by working out BEFORE them, not after.
3. Must do one of Bodyrock workout a day. (I'm planning on adding two days of 45 minutes to an hour of cardio a week)
4. I am only allowed to take elevators is my destination is the 7 floor or above. (Exceptions: If I haven't eaten yet, I can take the elevator up but have to walk down.)
5. I can have ONE treat a week. Basically any carb or processed food that I didn't work of before counts as this.
6. AND most importantly: bet my bored binging under control. I hardly ever binge otherwise unless I'm absolutely starving.

Rant about obese/overweight children

Disclaimer: I realize this is ridiculously hypocritical because of my own issues with food. I do not hate fat people. My own father is quite large. And by that I mean his body fat percentage is probably somewhere around 45%. I'm just fed up with all of the ways we excuse obesity and make it socially acceptable.
I'm sorry, but people should not complain about being overweight. It is NOT a disease. ONLY a VERY SMALL portion of the population ACTUALLY have a thyroid problem, and yet I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a fat person say that they just have a thyroid condition and that's why they can't lose weight. They normally then proceed to eat something roughly in the 700-1,200 calorie range.
People need a reality check: chances are they are not fat because of something beyond their control (even thyroid conditions can be supplemented for with certain treatments). We just like to claim this because it makes us feel better. It's not our fault. It's something we can't control.
In a way it is. The human body is not designed to survive times of plenty. We are evolutionarily conditioned to want to eat as much as possible because in ancient times, these BRIEF periods of feast would often have to sustain us for longer periods of famine or minimal nutrition. In building up our fat stores we were able to survive these times of hardship.
However nowadays, we scarcely have to go a few hours much less weeks on end without a proper meal. Society has made food readily available and full of chemicals and substance our bodies not only do no need, but cannot recognize. They then get stored as fat.
As a society we need to learn how to institute control. We see food and feel compelled to eat it and eat all of it as quickly as possible. Hunger is secondary to food. The worst part of this phenomenon is that we are passing on these traits to the next generation.
I was watching a video today and YouTube and a related video came up of a 4 year old who weighed 114 pounds. Her mother was on a show talking about how hard it i and how she doesn't know what to do. Cut to child eating not one, not two, not three, not FOUR, but five cheeseburgers in one sitting. I think we found our problem.
I got sucked in and watched about 6 or 7 similar videos in a rwo and then I realized: all the parents were fat. And not just chubby, I'm talking HUGE. And they wonder where their child is getting this.
We need to wke the fuck up and realize what we are doing to ourselves. Fat is an epidemic, but it is NOT a disease. People need to stop claiming that it's beyond their control, or resorting to things like Lap-bands, gastric bypass, diet pills, etc. instead of adressing the real reason they're not losing wieght: you have to shange your lifestyle to do so and be sucessful. You can't put on one, two, three hundred pounds, and expect a quick fix is going to make you slim again. you need to change your habits: what you eat, what you do, where you go, how you see food. I just find the entire situation a bit ridiculous, It's like putting a bandaid on a hemopheliac's paper-cut....it'll work for a couple minutes, but then you'll be back where you started, sometimes even worse.

Obsession is what the lazy call dedication

I thought i might share some of the thinspiration that helps me not eat that extra bite or two and makes me do those extra leg lifts. Enjoy. :)

New progress

I've been doing well over the last three days and have planned out eating and exercise for the next week that will conistently keep me at around 800 net calories a day. I was terrible before I got my act together with mini-binges happening lamost every day. Now after only three days of eating less than 1000 calories and working out, my stomach has deflated. It's almost flat when i turn to the side. And I'm not even sucking in. I may feel a little shaky when i wake up in the morning (probably because i haven't eaten anything since 5pm the day before) but other than that I'm over the moon. I've found something that works. That I can stick to. And god damn it, I'm going to be skinny. I've set a new goal weight for myself. I want to be between 120-125 to be happy with myself. That would give me a BMI of about 17.7-18.3. Just small enough to be considered thin, but not low enough for anyone to be too concerned.

Thoughts

I've had a really low couple of days. Part of it probably stems from the the fact I was on a binge from yesterday afternoon until about 2 pm today. I haven't eaten a bite since then, nor do i plan to....I plan to eat less than 800 calories tomorrow to compensate.
I've been browsing a lot of sites, blogs and YouTube vids lately about EDs and I've realized that people blame the media way to much. It's not their fault. The media is everywhere and if the media is what causes this, why isn't EVERYONE like me?
No, we blame the media, because that way they can pretend it's not their fault. It's not them who fuck up their own children, relatives, friends, even the random people we pass on the street.
I also find it ironic that being overweight is equally as unhealthy as being underweight, even more so, as some studies have indicated. And yet, where are the countless stories telling them that they are SICK that they NEED HELP. There aren't. There are countless stories about diets and exercises trends, but nothing on why society is fat....or how to fix it for that matter. I truly feel that part of the reason that society goes after EDs with such zeal is that they threaten the average. The average of fatness. We stick out too much to be ignored or overlooked. And because of that we need to be silenced. Condemned.
If it's the infernal media's fault, than the reason that girl developed anorexia CAN'T be because her parents made her feel worthless. The reason people develop binge eating disorders CAN'T be because of the disdain of their family and friends. And yes, even you random strangers are responsible. Don't think that we don't see the way you look at us! I'm guilty too. I know that I look at fat people with disdain, even disgust. And I get those looks all the time too. From skinny people, fat people, average people. I can feel that I'm being judged. And then I want to disappear....and when I don't eat....I feel like i could fade away....just maybe...and then I won't have to go another day pretending I don't notice that I'm a massive disappointment.
The media. The Fashion Industry. Designers. Pro-Ana/Mia websites and literature. They are all just convienient scapegoats so that we can keep pretending that the real villains in the propagation of eating disorders, of negative body image in general, is ourselves.

What I ate today...

I've decided that I'm going to try and post what I eat on here.

Breakfast:
-one whole grain bagel (270 calories)
probably not the best choice, but I didn't eat dinner and was ravenous!!!
-2tbsp of strawberry cream cheese (90 calories)

Lunch:
-one cup of Three Bean Chili (vegetarian) (190 calories)
-Whole wheat roll (100 calories)

Minor Binge:
-Two snack packs of milanos (MY WEAKNESS!!!!) (240 calories)

Dinner:
-Channa Masala (about 400? the package said about 460 but I only finished the garbonzo beans and left about half the rice....)
Total: ~1,290

A note about dinner.....I wanted to stop after eating about 5 bites....it wasn't that I wasn't hungry anymore or that I was full, it was that I didn't want to NEED it...but I can't crash down to nothing out of the blue otherwise I will collapse...and I really don't want the changes to be obvious...so I forced myself to eat at least all of the garbonzo beans (yay! protien!!! which I never eat enough of) and some of the rice....

I know it's a lot....

but if i factor out calories lost by exercise I come to around 900-1,000 calories.
OH random note!!!! New goal for me: Net calories around 1,000.....never above 1,200....but not below 800....I don't want to be so undernourished that I actually make more fat accumulate than not...so 800-1,200 net calories a day!!!

I walk everywhere!!!! I live in New York now...and today I walked about 2.5 miles (which supposedly was about 150 calories!!!!)
And I do this really intense HIIT trainig program!!! It makes me sweat and burn like nothing else.
What I did today:
PART 1
4min. of interval training
SANDBAG SQUAT (RIGHT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
PLANK JUMP PUSH UP
max. reps during 20 second interval
SANDBAG SQUAT (LEFT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
PLANK JUMP PUSH UP
max. reps during 20 second interval
PART 2
Time Challenge
10 PENDULUMS
followed by
ROLL OVER
followed by
1 WALKING PUSH UP
followed by
ELBOW PLANK JUMPS (SIDE TO SIDE)
Reverse the order of exercises
THIS IS ONE SET
Complete 5 sets for time
PART 3
4 min. of interval traininig
SANDBAG MINI SQUAT (RIGHT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
SUPER GIRL PUSH UPS
max. reps during 20 second interval
SANDBAG MINI SQUAT (LEFT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
SUPER GIRL PUSH UPS
max. reps during 20 second interval
THIS IS ONLY A HALF OF THE WORKOUT
Repeat all 3 parts one more time!!

In between the 20 second work periods you only get 10 seconds of rest to transition...it's death...but in the best way possible...
not sure how many calories it burns but judging by the way I sweat and feel like I'm going to collapse and/or puke, i feel like it's a good workout...

I'm also gonna take two laxatives before bed tonite....

good luck girlies!!!

I'm worried...

On a good note, all of my clothes are loose. Which means that I’ve probably lost weight. I can’t really check that though because I’m at school and have to access to a scale.
On a different note, my depression is getting worse. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the last three nights in a row. And my insomnia has done a 180 and turned into constant fatigue. It’s never been this bad before. I know that this is not healthy, and that I need to do something about it, but I’m too terrified.
What if I get the help i need for my mental health, but that doesn’t fix anything? What if they try and force me to get treatment for my ED? What if they tell my family? I need to get some things off of my chest to a real live person that I won’t have to face the next day and see their disdain. Otherwise I feel like I might self-destruct at any moment.

Panic attack

Holy. CRAP.
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....