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Life is Interesting...

I don't know whether things are good or bad but I'm pretty sure after tonight, in the way of friendships and a social life things will suck, but the weight might get better...I don't really eat when I'm upset...for the past week my net calorie intake has been at 900 or less...which I consider pretty good for now...I'm going home in a little over a week, so I can finally weigh myself...bad news...I have shitloads to do before then...but because I'm stressed because of work and the things happening with my friends my lack of appetite hasn't seemed all that wierd to those around me...
Also, something bizarre has been happening...according to my friends this guy, who is admittedly really hot and smart, is practically contantly staring at me...as in he almost fell off his chair once...I didn't see that, but I've noticed it a couple other times...and I don't know if they are just reading too much into things or what...because who would possibly be interested in me? There's not to much to like, much less to stare at, unless it's in a "what is that?" kinda way..I'm just really confused...but he's in England for a couple of days...so I can sort out my thoughts until he comes back...

I fucked up

I got this great new program on my iPod called Lose It! and it helps me monitor exactly how much I eat every day. I would have had an amazing day of only 572 calories until I binged and I mean BINGED...I ate 498 disgusting calories of chocolate covered raisins. I wish I could puke. That's almost as many calories as I consumed from other foods today. I technically am still under my daily allowance f 1,200 calories a day, to lose 20 pounds by Feb., but I still feel gross...I think I might do intense pilates abs and ass workout in my room while my roomie's gone at an event for her service...that way I'll burn off those calories in a little over 3 hours...or less...if I add in these amazing moves I picked up from this article online...My legs are getting thinner (they barely touch when I wear flat shoes anymore, and don't touch at all if I wear heels), but my stomach is still massive. And I want a human sized ass...mine could be honed in on by a satellite...So long story short...I was bad today...I'm going to make it up tomorrow...will power is the key...and I am strong enough to do this...I will be under 1000 calories tomorrow and no binging...chocolate has to disappear from my diet entirely...only fruit if I get a sweet craving...yummy, negative calorie fruit.

Thoughts

I am worthless. I feel copmletely worthless all the time. Like my fat ass is a waste of space. Like everytime I lose control I deserve to live less and less; because if I can't control myself, then why should I even be here?
I feel worthless every time I lie and say I'm fine, especially to my friends. I even feel worthless about writing this, because as usual, no one else is there. It's just me, myself and I, as always. I wish I could say I'm okay with that, but I'm not. I never have been. I feel worse every time someone says something nice to me, because it seems like I'm so pathetic, they're being nice out of pity. I don't want their pity. I just want to be accepted for me. And me is not good enough. I need to be better. I need to be thinner. I need to be smarter. I need to be more graceful. Because then maybe I'll be worth something more than their pity.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse...

Life sucks and I've been eating waay too much lately...I'm gonna try getting salt out of the Essaal today...hopefully it will work and I can purge when there is no one else around in the house. I live with 7 other girls. Speaking of which, one of those girls is a heinous bitch that i can't stand...the ex-girlfriend of my best friend...and the kicker? He's still in love with her...he knows what an awful hideous person she is and is still in love with HER! She's ugly too...I mean yeah, she's thin, but fat thin, as in everything is all wobbly and giggly...it's really gross...my other best friend had her heart broken by my male best friend and now i feel awkward whenever i'm in the same room as the two of them...Although I'm getting such a kick out of being a bitch...my day could suck but then I just have to piss off the bitch and I'm all happy again...it's like magic!!! And i was wrong about people not noticing my eating habits changing because of the pills...I'm starting to get wierd looks whenever I ask for a smaller portion or say I'm not hungry...I think they're starting to catch on to me...and it's too cold for me to be motivated to go outside and exercise here and I can't do it in front of my roomie without getting curious looks...so no exercise in a while!!!! THIS SUCKS!!! TOO much DRAMA!!!! AND I'm getting FATTER!!!! not just fat, but fatTER!!!! I hate life right now...

Trying to find the bright side...

I'm going through all the positive things that can come out of all the shit that has happened to me recently....maybe if I get it all out, I'll feel better. So here goes:
1. With all the suppressed feelings, I'm to angry or plain emotional to eat too much.
2. I can blame my lack of appetite on the iron-pills I'm now taking for anaemia.
3. If I manage to throw up and someone catches me I can blame it on said pills.
4. If my best friends do get together, maybe they won't notice that something is wrong so much.
On the other hand...this could backfire...they'll notice even more and act like my parents even more if they combine my disturbing behaviors that they have seen individually together...but that's assuming I'm actually important enough to even be mentioned by them...
5. I can fit into things I couldn't before (not without severe discomfort and looking like a completely beached whale anyways) and some of my stuff that fit before is now loose...
Slight con, I don't know my weight because I don't have access to a scale here and if i asked for one, I'm pretty sure I would be getting force-fed three meals (or more...ughhhh) a day...
That's it for now...I have to get studying for a massive Biology exam I have in the morning...

I'm losing it...

People are starting to notice something's wrong with me...I found out today that they talk about me, and how I concern them, from the friend who I have feelings for. He kinda told me on accident...I was walking back from the bathroom and walked in just as he told my roomie/best friend that I do seem really depressed and agrees with my other friend that there is something seriously wrong...Well there is, but I'm too damn proud to tell them that. So what? I'm depressed. I've been feeling depressed since the middle of summer...and it's getting worse...I can't eat without feeling gross...and everytime I go to the bathroom I feel like the sinfully empty porcelian toilet is begging me to hurl the contents of my disgustingly distended stomach into it's abyss....and I really don't know how much longer I can keep telling myself no. I know how i can make myself throw up without fail...warm salt water. It works on me like magic...my friend forced it down my throat when i was too drunk to function because I didn't throw up when three different people stuck their hands down my throat...The only problem is getting the salt...everything is in the Essaal here...and people will notice if i walk out with a container of salt. I'm just trying to find a way to do it subtly...because i want to throw it all up because maybe if I'm actually empty I can justify why i feel empty all the time anyways...maybe because then I'll be the one controlling the emptyness...I'm just so sick of things not going my way...I want to be able to completely control something for once in my life...