I have been away far too long...it took me all of yeaterday evening to catch up with all the blogs I follow...Anywho...the month I was gone without internet, I was in Syria with my super skinny best friend/roomie...and apparently I think I've worried her family. It drives me insane!!! Her eating habits aren't normal either, but they pick on mine instead of hers!! I mean how many NORMAL people eat about 3 kilos of apples a day and not much else? And how many NORMAL people refuse to eat any form of processed carbs? And she somehow manages to include rice in that category. But no...they comment on mine. Like when we go grocery shopping, and my roomie asks if I want to get something fattening or the other and I comment, "no thanks I want to fit into my dress for graduation." she responds with a "It's gonna fall off of you with the amount you've been eating" And her mom always trying to feed me even more food!!!! GAH!!!! I hate food pushers!!!
I hate the hypocrisy sometimes!!!! It's okay for your daughter to eat like a rabbit, but not for her friend? And I didn't lose anything at all...partially because I had a massive bordom induced binge three days ago...and once again I'm stuck at bloody 145 pounds....I always get down to theis point and then for some reason, no matter what I eat or don't eat, my body stopslosing weight and the ONLY direction the numbers on the scale go is up!
I'm so confused about my body now anyways....I think I have the most bizzare body on the planent: the literal exception to every singe rule of body mass distribution and proportions. On a whim I decided to calculate my percentage body fat and guess what? On 6 seperate calculators, it never got lower than 19% or about 19.6% The most common value was 19.5% though, so I'm thinking that was the most reliable. But that number doesn't make any sense! Depending on the site, I was either classified as having not enough body fat or having the body fat of an athlete! I have no muscle tone whatsoever! I haven't worked out in months! I look like a whale! There is no way that I'm not at least in the average range!
Anywho, my graduation is in two days and I want to look the best possible then!!! I want to break through the 145 barrier!!! It's so frustrating!!! I've lost over 20 pounds so far, and then my body just stopped! I'm only gonna eat really healthy stuff the next two days....at the moment I'm eating celery, which tastes gross at the moment, and I bought bamboo shoots and red and yellow peppers, 0.1% fat yoghurt and laxative tea. And that's basically what I'm going to eat for the next two days. Hopeully I see some improvement!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Good day today.... :)
It's an amazing day for me today because....I woke up exactly 4.4 pounds lighter today than I was yesterday...I feels amazing!!!! I still have about 15.5 pounds to lose before I can attempt to be happy about my wieght, but still progress is progress!!!
There is only one good thing about being on your period: the super fast weight loss....I think the fact that I started my period two days ago is one of the main reasons for the fast loss....that and sauna-ing....it's offically one of my favorite ways to lose weight EVER!!!
I'm going in for another hour-long session today!!!! Hopefully I can get down to the 130s sometime soon...It will be the first time I was in the 130s in a VERY LONG time...I think it would make me ecstatic!!!! I DEFINATELY want to be in the 130s for my graduaiton in a month....I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be 132 for it!!!! Exactly 60 kilos....but that would mean losing 15.4 pounds in the next month. Lord knows I'm going to try.
There is only one good thing about being on your period: the super fast weight loss....I think the fact that I started my period two days ago is one of the main reasons for the fast loss....that and sauna-ing....it's offically one of my favorite ways to lose weight EVER!!!
I'm going in for another hour-long session today!!!! Hopefully I can get down to the 130s sometime soon...It will be the first time I was in the 130s in a VERY LONG time...I think it would make me ecstatic!!!! I DEFINATELY want to be in the 130s for my graduaiton in a month....I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be 132 for it!!!! Exactly 60 kilos....but that would mean losing 15.4 pounds in the next month. Lord knows I'm going to try.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Angry....
I'm furious....
First of all because of something I just read...a young girl was looking for support with EDNOS and some idiot told her that she doesn't have an eating disorder because EDNOS is the, "eating disorder for those who want to have an eating disorder."
I NEVER wanted this. I NEVER wanted to NEVER be happy with myself....to hate myself for not being strong enough to stop eating....for not being strong enough to NOT purge....I look in the mirror and all I want to be is happy...but I know I'll never be that in the body I'm in...and so the EDNOS cycle starts...
I started having ED behaviors when I was 8. My mother was always small and thin, a dancer, who now considers herself obese at 5'7" and 113 pounds. My father is the opposite, 6'0". He used to be really thin when he was in the military, but he gained a lot when he quit. I would guess he now weighs 250+ pounds. Around the time when my father really started to gain, my mother started telling me that I was "big". I have my dad's larger bone structure and was never petite like her. In EVERY SINGLE CLASS PHOTO of mine from 1st to 8th grade I'm the tallest and the biggest.
I would overhear my mom talk to other mothers about the size clothes their daughters wear and their weights....she always described me as "big". It hurt. It hurt a lot. I still find the word big more insulting than fat. Because every time she said that word, she said it with pure disgust...we would go shopping and she would always look at the smaller sized clothes longingly...and I NEVER fit...
In about 3rd grade I began what to me seemed a logical...the less you ate, the smaller you would get....I didn't want to be big any more...I wanted my mother to finally accept me and not criticize everything because it wan't perfect. I would get 98% on a test and she would ask where the last 2% were. I would win a soccer game and she would ask if I had scored the most goals...nothing was good enough...So I stopped eating lunch at school....I would just throw it out...at every other meal, when she gave me a MUCH smaller portion than my sister or herself, it hurt but at the same time I thought it was good because I would become perfect faster...
This continued for about 3 weeks before I became ravenous and binged....everything I could while my mother was out...I couldn't bear to have her or anyone else see me eat. It felt and still feels...dirty. I continued on my binge-restrict cycle for the next 4 years...but the weight never went down...it kept going up...I was ALWAYS angry ALL THE TIME...especially at my mother...
In 7th grade I began to experiment with purging...I discovered I hated vomiting, but laxatives felt like an appropriate punishment....It was only natural that it would be revolting and uncomfortable to get all the crap that I put into myself out...
Unfortunately, in the binge-purge-restrict cycle, I began to get careless....my mother noticed empty wrappers and food containers that I used to hide so well...
She confronted me and I lied....I told her that I never purged, EVER....she then started marking all the food and counting exactly how many calories I ate a day...she found out that I was using the laxatives in the cabinent and and counted those too....she told me that if I snuck food again, or she caught me purging, she would send me for treatment...
I didn't want to go to treatment because that would mean there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't perfect. I wanted to be thin, small and perfect but I didn't want to be so imperfect that i needed help. So for about 3 years, I listened, I ate and didn't purge and got fatter and more disgusting all the time. The arguments with my mother got worse and worse...
I then couldn't handle it anymore....I was 168 pounds at my highest....
I could feel her condescending looks and I broke...I started again...and it hurts keeping so much inside, but I have to do it because if I don't, people will try and "help" me. I don't want their help. I want to be perfect enough. And no I don't know when that will be. I don't know if that will ever be.
All I do know is this:
1. I get a little high everytime some one tells me I've lost weight. Especially when it's my mother....I love that now every time I go home she comments that I've gotten thinner...I need to hear that I'm getting thinner....but more importantly that I'm not "big" anymore....It makes me feel like I can do something right...I may not be thin YET, but at least I'm thinNER.
2. I hate lying to everyone, but not enough to stop.
3. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not eating.
4. I feel like crying everytime my friends tell me I'd be a great mom, because I do want to be a mom. I'm just terrified that my children will be just as screwed up as me. Or even worse, that I'll become like my mother and screw them up myself. I never want to make anyone feel the way she made and still makes me feel: perpetually inadequate.
5. I don't feel worthy of any sort of positive attention, and what people think is false modesty in order to get compliments really isn't. It's the truth. I don't think I'm especially smart (How many smart people would WANT to do this to themselves?). I don't think I'm that strong (If I was strong, I wouldn't NEED this). I don't think I'm funny (What my friends don't realize is what they mistake as humor is either a) my anger at the world being mistaken as sarcasm, or b) me being so hungry/out of it that I have no more control over what I say). I don't find myself especially nice or sweet (I'm selfish: I try and care for other people because I don't want anyone else to become as fucked up as I am, because that way I potentially have SOMETHING good to say about myself: that I prevented more people from turning out like this).
So to anyone out there who may stumble across this: EDNOS is NOT an eating disorder for those who WANT one....it's something very real, that I never wanted, but I don't want to get rid of, because I don't know who I AM without it. That terrifies me. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE else in a million years. True I don't have a "cookie cutter" ED like bulimia (I don't purge enough), or anorexia (my BMI has never been low enough), but I can see that this is NOT healthy...but that's not the point. I don't want health. I want perfection. This is not something I'm saying about myself because I want attention...these are classifications that have been given to me by OTHERS...I just wish people would stop belittling EDs that aren't anorexia or bulimia because they don't know them...some may say I have disordered eating, but NOT an eating disorder....others may say I'm just depressed. I am depressed, but this is more than that. All these people could say that, but they don't KNOW me....ask someone who has known me my entire life...they KNOW that I don't have a healthy relationship to food...they've told me themselves that I need to eat, or that they're concerned. So the next time you think that EDNOS doesn't exist, ask THEM. I'm sure they'd tell you something VERY different.
First of all because of something I just read...a young girl was looking for support with EDNOS and some idiot told her that she doesn't have an eating disorder because EDNOS is the, "eating disorder for those who want to have an eating disorder."
I NEVER wanted this. I NEVER wanted to NEVER be happy with myself....to hate myself for not being strong enough to stop eating....for not being strong enough to NOT purge....I look in the mirror and all I want to be is happy...but I know I'll never be that in the body I'm in...and so the EDNOS cycle starts...
I started having ED behaviors when I was 8. My mother was always small and thin, a dancer, who now considers herself obese at 5'7" and 113 pounds. My father is the opposite, 6'0". He used to be really thin when he was in the military, but he gained a lot when he quit. I would guess he now weighs 250+ pounds. Around the time when my father really started to gain, my mother started telling me that I was "big". I have my dad's larger bone structure and was never petite like her. In EVERY SINGLE CLASS PHOTO of mine from 1st to 8th grade I'm the tallest and the biggest.
I would overhear my mom talk to other mothers about the size clothes their daughters wear and their weights....she always described me as "big". It hurt. It hurt a lot. I still find the word big more insulting than fat. Because every time she said that word, she said it with pure disgust...we would go shopping and she would always look at the smaller sized clothes longingly...and I NEVER fit...
In about 3rd grade I began what to me seemed a logical...the less you ate, the smaller you would get....I didn't want to be big any more...I wanted my mother to finally accept me and not criticize everything because it wan't perfect. I would get 98% on a test and she would ask where the last 2% were. I would win a soccer game and she would ask if I had scored the most goals...nothing was good enough...So I stopped eating lunch at school....I would just throw it out...at every other meal, when she gave me a MUCH smaller portion than my sister or herself, it hurt but at the same time I thought it was good because I would become perfect faster...
This continued for about 3 weeks before I became ravenous and binged....everything I could while my mother was out...I couldn't bear to have her or anyone else see me eat. It felt and still feels...dirty. I continued on my binge-restrict cycle for the next 4 years...but the weight never went down...it kept going up...I was ALWAYS angry ALL THE TIME...especially at my mother...
In 7th grade I began to experiment with purging...I discovered I hated vomiting, but laxatives felt like an appropriate punishment....It was only natural that it would be revolting and uncomfortable to get all the crap that I put into myself out...
Unfortunately, in the binge-purge-restrict cycle, I began to get careless....my mother noticed empty wrappers and food containers that I used to hide so well...
She confronted me and I lied....I told her that I never purged, EVER....she then started marking all the food and counting exactly how many calories I ate a day...she found out that I was using the laxatives in the cabinent and and counted those too....she told me that if I snuck food again, or she caught me purging, she would send me for treatment...
I didn't want to go to treatment because that would mean there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't perfect. I wanted to be thin, small and perfect but I didn't want to be so imperfect that i needed help. So for about 3 years, I listened, I ate and didn't purge and got fatter and more disgusting all the time. The arguments with my mother got worse and worse...
I then couldn't handle it anymore....I was 168 pounds at my highest....
I could feel her condescending looks and I broke...I started again...and it hurts keeping so much inside, but I have to do it because if I don't, people will try and "help" me. I don't want their help. I want to be perfect enough. And no I don't know when that will be. I don't know if that will ever be.
All I do know is this:
1. I get a little high everytime some one tells me I've lost weight. Especially when it's my mother....I love that now every time I go home she comments that I've gotten thinner...I need to hear that I'm getting thinner....but more importantly that I'm not "big" anymore....It makes me feel like I can do something right...I may not be thin YET, but at least I'm thinNER.
2. I hate lying to everyone, but not enough to stop.
3. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not eating.
4. I feel like crying everytime my friends tell me I'd be a great mom, because I do want to be a mom. I'm just terrified that my children will be just as screwed up as me. Or even worse, that I'll become like my mother and screw them up myself. I never want to make anyone feel the way she made and still makes me feel: perpetually inadequate.
5. I don't feel worthy of any sort of positive attention, and what people think is false modesty in order to get compliments really isn't. It's the truth. I don't think I'm especially smart (How many smart people would WANT to do this to themselves?). I don't think I'm that strong (If I was strong, I wouldn't NEED this). I don't think I'm funny (What my friends don't realize is what they mistake as humor is either a) my anger at the world being mistaken as sarcasm, or b) me being so hungry/out of it that I have no more control over what I say). I don't find myself especially nice or sweet (I'm selfish: I try and care for other people because I don't want anyone else to become as fucked up as I am, because that way I potentially have SOMETHING good to say about myself: that I prevented more people from turning out like this).
So to anyone out there who may stumble across this: EDNOS is NOT an eating disorder for those who WANT one....it's something very real, that I never wanted, but I don't want to get rid of, because I don't know who I AM without it. That terrifies me. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE else in a million years. True I don't have a "cookie cutter" ED like bulimia (I don't purge enough), or anorexia (my BMI has never been low enough), but I can see that this is NOT healthy...but that's not the point. I don't want health. I want perfection. This is not something I'm saying about myself because I want attention...these are classifications that have been given to me by OTHERS...I just wish people would stop belittling EDs that aren't anorexia or bulimia because they don't know them...some may say I have disordered eating, but NOT an eating disorder....others may say I'm just depressed. I am depressed, but this is more than that. All these people could say that, but they don't KNOW me....ask someone who has known me my entire life...they KNOW that I don't have a healthy relationship to food...they've told me themselves that I need to eat, or that they're concerned. So the next time you think that EDNOS doesn't exist, ask THEM. I'm sure they'd tell you something VERY different.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Positive Reinforcement
I ran yesterday. I was supposed to be studying for my exams which start on Tuesday, but instead I ran. My school is celebrating it's 90th birthday this weekend and one of the events was a two hour run around my campus for charity.
I only really started because I wanted one of the T-shirts, but then the high of running yout body down hit and I didn't want to stop. I started about 50 minutes to an hour late and I ran 9 kilometers.
I barely ate breakfast that morning and I was too hyped to really eat that much at dinner....I also skipped lunch....I feel the changes already....my oblique muscles, my ass and inner thighs all are in IMMENSE pain....but it's so worth it....
I thought I was really out of shape, but I'm really proud of myself for running that much....hopefully I can keep up the losing over exams and blame stress.....and look great for our IB dinner!!!! Lord knows I need something positive to look forward to....I've found that positive motivation for what WILL happen in the future is what gets me going the most....so here goes....hopefully I exceed even my own expectations!!!
I only really started because I wanted one of the T-shirts, but then the high of running yout body down hit and I didn't want to stop. I started about 50 minutes to an hour late and I ran 9 kilometers.
I barely ate breakfast that morning and I was too hyped to really eat that much at dinner....I also skipped lunch....I feel the changes already....my oblique muscles, my ass and inner thighs all are in IMMENSE pain....but it's so worth it....
I thought I was really out of shape, but I'm really proud of myself for running that much....hopefully I can keep up the losing over exams and blame stress.....and look great for our IB dinner!!!! Lord knows I need something positive to look forward to....I've found that positive motivation for what WILL happen in the future is what gets me going the most....so here goes....hopefully I exceed even my own expectations!!!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Secrets...
I feel like my ED has me keeping so many things inside lately...
My secret?
I hate the fact that I can't let anyone in...sure I tell them part of the story...but I'm too scared to let them know all of me...because then they would also realize that I'm not worth it...the worst thing about this is, I've discovered I'm a really good actress....even the people who know me best can't tell that I feel like crying for no reason 90% of the time...
My secret?
The voice screams, "Stop!! Stop that you fat cow!!" But I keep shoveling food in - I don't taste it. I feel disgusted with myself for being a failure. I've been weak and all I want to do is hurl it all back up. After 30 minutes of trying to make myself sick, I resign myself to another failure and punish myself for being so weak by restricting....
My secret?
I like to pretend that everything's alright. Because when everyone else thinks you're fine, sometimes you forget for a while that you're not.
My secret?
Everytime I realize I've fallen a little for my own charade, my self-loathing deepens....because I don't deserve even that momentary comfort
My secret?
I don't know what to do anymore...I barely feel anything anymore...the emptyness is consuming me...all of me except for the one thing I want to be empty...I'm losing my soul, but my weight stays the same...I can feel all the things people love me for: my humor, my kindness, my sarcasm....everything....all slipping away, and part of me doesn't mind...because on some level I think that if I lose everything else first, the weight HAS to follow....
My secret?
I know that I'm living a lie, but I. Just. Can't. Stop.
My secret?
Plainly and simply: I'm terrified of myself....
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Life sucks...
I have my IB exams starting in a week. For anyone out there who doesn't know what the IB exams are, they basically count for about 70% of my grades that I will need to keep my university offers. So I'm super stressed out to begin with.
To make things worse, since I don't have a scale here, I have to go by measurements, and I have gained about half and inch around my stomach, hips and ass in the past month. I feel gross. I'm totally letting myself go in the wrong direction, but I refuse to let myself be fat for graduation. It's time to start the restricting again!! I'm already half a day through with my new attitude and it feels great. I forgot how amazing little things like, skipping lunch, or using the excuse that "My stomach hurts" to stop eating felt. I don't care if my friends get on my case this time. I can blame it on stress. I. WILL. BE. SKINNY. And NOTHING ANYONE says or does is going to stop me. Wish me luck!
To make things worse, since I don't have a scale here, I have to go by measurements, and I have gained about half and inch around my stomach, hips and ass in the past month. I feel gross. I'm totally letting myself go in the wrong direction, but I refuse to let myself be fat for graduation. It's time to start the restricting again!! I'm already half a day through with my new attitude and it feels great. I forgot how amazing little things like, skipping lunch, or using the excuse that "My stomach hurts" to stop eating felt. I don't care if my friends get on my case this time. I can blame it on stress. I. WILL. BE. SKINNY. And NOTHING ANYONE says or does is going to stop me. Wish me luck!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Not letting it show...
Life sucks. I've been really busy and I jsut couldn't put up with the constant questioning/concern about my eating so I've been eating. A lot. And I'm getting fat again.
To make things worse, a girl I considered my close friend decided to tell a guy that I like that I like him. No everything is super awkward and his entire group of friends as well as about half the school knows as well by now. The worst part is I have to act like I dont' know any of this because one of his friends kind of told me in strictest confidence and I don't want to fuck up everything for him too because he's actually a nice guy.
Apparently, I'm not supposed to take this in a negative way. The guy that I like doesn't know what to do. I think that kind of means I'm repulsive in a way. Because seriously, if I wasn't, there wouldn't be any debate would there? I'm 99% sure it's because of how fat I've gotten in the past month.
I've decided something from today. I'm officially no longer turning my back on my ED. It's always there for me in a way that even my friends aren't any more. Plus about half of my friends group is in Oxford for revision courses so it'll be so much easier to just let the euphoria of hunger take over now....I WILL be thin...I HAVE to be thin....because NO ONE wants a fatty....fattys are worthless and at the moment, that's unfortunately what I am. I know there's a thin person inside of me somewhere....I'm just going to starve the fatty to get her out....wish me luck!
To make things worse, a girl I considered my close friend decided to tell a guy that I like that I like him. No everything is super awkward and his entire group of friends as well as about half the school knows as well by now. The worst part is I have to act like I dont' know any of this because one of his friends kind of told me in strictest confidence and I don't want to fuck up everything for him too because he's actually a nice guy.
Apparently, I'm not supposed to take this in a negative way. The guy that I like doesn't know what to do. I think that kind of means I'm repulsive in a way. Because seriously, if I wasn't, there wouldn't be any debate would there? I'm 99% sure it's because of how fat I've gotten in the past month.
I've decided something from today. I'm officially no longer turning my back on my ED. It's always there for me in a way that even my friends aren't any more. Plus about half of my friends group is in Oxford for revision courses so it'll be so much easier to just let the euphoria of hunger take over now....I WILL be thin...I HAVE to be thin....because NO ONE wants a fatty....fattys are worthless and at the moment, that's unfortunately what I am. I know there's a thin person inside of me somewhere....I'm just going to starve the fatty to get her out....wish me luck!
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