I need support

I'm pretty sure that no one reads this blog, but if anyone does I could really use an ana/mia buddy right now...I'm trying so hard but I keep failing...I was really gross today...and I can't make myself puke, despite trying....normally at home, I would do a form of laxative (mineral oil), but I don't have any at boarding school and my friends will wonder why i need it...I don't wanna have to purge and I can't here!!! There is no privacy here so purging is difficult to say the least. I just need the motivation to keep the calories down to begin with. If anyone out there reads this, your help would be more than appreciated. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...

Sorry it's been a while...

I have had an interesting week. I slipped on ice Monday and bruised my tailbone so badly that I'm still in pain. Because of that I was not able to keep with one of my New Year resolutions: To work out for 30 minutes each weekday. But today I managed to succeed partially. I found this great workout here: http://www.exercisetv.tv/workout-videos/cardio/bikini-body-workout-4487 . It felt amazing but I started dying after the X-crunches....I'm soooo out of shape...I'm gonna be able to do that whole thing without any problems very soon I decided. I also noticed something. When you tell your friends you're not hungry, you get ENDLESS lectures about how you need to eat, and yadayadayada.... BUT, if you TAKE food, it doesn't even really matter how much, they don't say anything...Either I only take a little (1/4 cup of bell peppers with vinegar) or actual dinner, eat three bites and push the rest around on my plate. Either way it's working out so far.
I was so happy to be at home and have a scale...I officially wiegh 145...I find that amazing...I weigh the least I have EVER weighed in the past 4 years...I'm already halfway to my "acceptable" goal : 130. I've realized that if my friends are giving me grief about losing so much weight already, that's probably the lowest I can go without provoking an intervention. Although, I've found new ways to phrase things so that my friends are more supportive. For example, my roomie who is super skinny, is complaining that she's really out of shape, so we're going to the gym at least 3 times a week for an hour or two...I've also become completely anal about the taste of ketchup: read I hate it with a PASSION! And since most food at our school involves ketchup or creme friache (ughhhhh I also loathe it...) I have a good excuse not to eat it....I've been constistently under 100 calories a day since I've gone back to school and so far nothing too terrible has happened...
Everyone has noticed I lost weight....They should I lost 8 kilos....approximately 18 pounds since the start of summer...none of my old clothes really fit anymore and my mother actually said I'm GETTING thin...The only bad thing is when it provokes concern...I have two really good friends who I now feel monitor what I eat and am constantly bombarded with "Aren't you gonna eat something?" Or "Aren't you going to get more?" And if I ever ask to try a bite of something, to avoid suspicion....they shove most of it into my mouth or hand/plate....then I look bad if I don't eat it...I'm mildly confused as to what to do about those two friends....
I also fucked up last night....I think my roomie knows there is something going on with me...I said I fet gross cuz I've been eating too much lately (totally true) and she said something along the lines. "You're actually eating really healthy. Sure we eat every 3 hours (school's meal schedule works that way...) but you're not eating a lot each time and it's mostly healthy. In fact, you could probably eat a lot more." Followed by a very wierd look...I don't know what I'm gonna do about that either...
Sorry this post is so long. I just have a lot going on in my head...

I have a confession to make

I lied when I posted my starting wieght as 149. Sad, right? I lie to, well, who am I kidding, myself, because even 149 felt less disgusting than what I weighed. I started out the summer at my high weight of 163. I am currently fluctuating between 145 and 147. But then again, that's probably because I'm gonna start my period in a day or two. So in th past 5 months I've lost 18 pounds. I feel that's amazing, but still I feel immensly fat. To make things worse I think I've reached the point of no return.
Yesterday I went to see the Rose Parade floats with my sister, mother and her friend and kids. The entire place smelled of food: funnel cakes, popcorn, pretzels. My mom kept trying to buy me something from the food vendors but all I could think of was the fatty foods making my cottage cheese thighs even worse. And I started crying. My mother thinks its because I was just being a brat, but I know better. I can't look at an item of food without seeing it as making me fat. I still eat, but I can't eat in front of people anymore. I feel disgusting. Like they're watching me. In revulsion. And I, in thurn feel repulsed. I'm spiraling downwards and I don't think I can stop, nor do I want to.

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Life is Interesting...

I don't know whether things are good or bad but I'm pretty sure after tonight, in the way of friendships and a social life things will suck, but the weight might get better...I don't really eat when I'm upset...for the past week my net calorie intake has been at 900 or less...which I consider pretty good for now...I'm going home in a little over a week, so I can finally weigh myself...bad news...I have shitloads to do before then...but because I'm stressed because of work and the things happening with my friends my lack of appetite hasn't seemed all that wierd to those around me...
Also, something bizarre has been happening...according to my friends this guy, who is admittedly really hot and smart, is practically contantly staring at me...as in he almost fell off his chair once...I didn't see that, but I've noticed it a couple other times...and I don't know if they are just reading too much into things or what...because who would possibly be interested in me? There's not to much to like, much less to stare at, unless it's in a "what is that?" kinda way..I'm just really confused...but he's in England for a couple of days...so I can sort out my thoughts until he comes back...

I fucked up

I got this great new program on my iPod called Lose It! and it helps me monitor exactly how much I eat every day. I would have had an amazing day of only 572 calories until I binged and I mean BINGED...I ate 498 disgusting calories of chocolate covered raisins. I wish I could puke. That's almost as many calories as I consumed from other foods today. I technically am still under my daily allowance f 1,200 calories a day, to lose 20 pounds by Feb., but I still feel gross...I think I might do intense pilates abs and ass workout in my room while my roomie's gone at an event for her service...that way I'll burn off those calories in a little over 3 hours...or less...if I add in these amazing moves I picked up from this article online...My legs are getting thinner (they barely touch when I wear flat shoes anymore, and don't touch at all if I wear heels), but my stomach is still massive. And I want a human sized ass...mine could be honed in on by a satellite...So long story short...I was bad today...I'm going to make it up tomorrow...will power is the key...and I am strong enough to do this...I will be under 1000 calories tomorrow and no binging...chocolate has to disappear from my diet entirely...only fruit if I get a sweet craving...yummy, negative calorie fruit.

Thoughts

I am worthless. I feel copmletely worthless all the time. Like my fat ass is a waste of space. Like everytime I lose control I deserve to live less and less; because if I can't control myself, then why should I even be here?
I feel worthless every time I lie and say I'm fine, especially to my friends. I even feel worthless about writing this, because as usual, no one else is there. It's just me, myself and I, as always. I wish I could say I'm okay with that, but I'm not. I never have been. I feel worse every time someone says something nice to me, because it seems like I'm so pathetic, they're being nice out of pity. I don't want their pity. I just want to be accepted for me. And me is not good enough. I need to be better. I need to be thinner. I need to be smarter. I need to be more graceful. Because then maybe I'll be worth something more than their pity.