Obsession is what the lazy call dedication

I thought i might share some of the thinspiration that helps me not eat that extra bite or two and makes me do those extra leg lifts. Enjoy. :)

New progress

I've been doing well over the last three days and have planned out eating and exercise for the next week that will conistently keep me at around 800 net calories a day. I was terrible before I got my act together with mini-binges happening lamost every day. Now after only three days of eating less than 1000 calories and working out, my stomach has deflated. It's almost flat when i turn to the side. And I'm not even sucking in. I may feel a little shaky when i wake up in the morning (probably because i haven't eaten anything since 5pm the day before) but other than that I'm over the moon. I've found something that works. That I can stick to. And god damn it, I'm going to be skinny. I've set a new goal weight for myself. I want to be between 120-125 to be happy with myself. That would give me a BMI of about 17.7-18.3. Just small enough to be considered thin, but not low enough for anyone to be too concerned.

Thoughts

I've had a really low couple of days. Part of it probably stems from the the fact I was on a binge from yesterday afternoon until about 2 pm today. I haven't eaten a bite since then, nor do i plan to....I plan to eat less than 800 calories tomorrow to compensate.
I've been browsing a lot of sites, blogs and YouTube vids lately about EDs and I've realized that people blame the media way to much. It's not their fault. The media is everywhere and if the media is what causes this, why isn't EVERYONE like me?
No, we blame the media, because that way they can pretend it's not their fault. It's not them who fuck up their own children, relatives, friends, even the random people we pass on the street.
I also find it ironic that being overweight is equally as unhealthy as being underweight, even more so, as some studies have indicated. And yet, where are the countless stories telling them that they are SICK that they NEED HELP. There aren't. There are countless stories about diets and exercises trends, but nothing on why society is fat....or how to fix it for that matter. I truly feel that part of the reason that society goes after EDs with such zeal is that they threaten the average. The average of fatness. We stick out too much to be ignored or overlooked. And because of that we need to be silenced. Condemned.
If it's the infernal media's fault, than the reason that girl developed anorexia CAN'T be because her parents made her feel worthless. The reason people develop binge eating disorders CAN'T be because of the disdain of their family and friends. And yes, even you random strangers are responsible. Don't think that we don't see the way you look at us! I'm guilty too. I know that I look at fat people with disdain, even disgust. And I get those looks all the time too. From skinny people, fat people, average people. I can feel that I'm being judged. And then I want to disappear....and when I don't eat....I feel like i could fade away....just maybe...and then I won't have to go another day pretending I don't notice that I'm a massive disappointment.
The media. The Fashion Industry. Designers. Pro-Ana/Mia websites and literature. They are all just convienient scapegoats so that we can keep pretending that the real villains in the propagation of eating disorders, of negative body image in general, is ourselves.

What I ate today...

I've decided that I'm going to try and post what I eat on here.

Breakfast:
-one whole grain bagel (270 calories)
probably not the best choice, but I didn't eat dinner and was ravenous!!!
-2tbsp of strawberry cream cheese (90 calories)

Lunch:
-one cup of Three Bean Chili (vegetarian) (190 calories)
-Whole wheat roll (100 calories)

Minor Binge:
-Two snack packs of milanos (MY WEAKNESS!!!!) (240 calories)

Dinner:
-Channa Masala (about 400? the package said about 460 but I only finished the garbonzo beans and left about half the rice....)
Total: ~1,290

A note about dinner.....I wanted to stop after eating about 5 bites....it wasn't that I wasn't hungry anymore or that I was full, it was that I didn't want to NEED it...but I can't crash down to nothing out of the blue otherwise I will collapse...and I really don't want the changes to be obvious...so I forced myself to eat at least all of the garbonzo beans (yay! protien!!! which I never eat enough of) and some of the rice....

I know it's a lot....

but if i factor out calories lost by exercise I come to around 900-1,000 calories.
OH random note!!!! New goal for me: Net calories around 1,000.....never above 1,200....but not below 800....I don't want to be so undernourished that I actually make more fat accumulate than not...so 800-1,200 net calories a day!!!

I walk everywhere!!!! I live in New York now...and today I walked about 2.5 miles (which supposedly was about 150 calories!!!!)
And I do this really intense HIIT trainig program!!! It makes me sweat and burn like nothing else.
What I did today:
PART 1
4min. of interval training
SANDBAG SQUAT (RIGHT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
PLANK JUMP PUSH UP
max. reps during 20 second interval
SANDBAG SQUAT (LEFT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
PLANK JUMP PUSH UP
max. reps during 20 second interval
PART 2
Time Challenge
10 PENDULUMS
followed by
ROLL OVER
followed by
1 WALKING PUSH UP
followed by
ELBOW PLANK JUMPS (SIDE TO SIDE)
Reverse the order of exercises
THIS IS ONE SET
Complete 5 sets for time
PART 3
4 min. of interval traininig
SANDBAG MINI SQUAT (RIGHT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
SUPER GIRL PUSH UPS
max. reps during 20 second interval
SANDBAG MINI SQUAT (LEFT SHOULDER)
max. reps during 20 second interval
SUPER GIRL PUSH UPS
max. reps during 20 second interval
THIS IS ONLY A HALF OF THE WORKOUT
Repeat all 3 parts one more time!!

In between the 20 second work periods you only get 10 seconds of rest to transition...it's death...but in the best way possible...
not sure how many calories it burns but judging by the way I sweat and feel like I'm going to collapse and/or puke, i feel like it's a good workout...

I'm also gonna take two laxatives before bed tonite....

good luck girlies!!!

I'm worried...

On a good note, all of my clothes are loose. Which means that I’ve probably lost weight. I can’t really check that though because I’m at school and have to access to a scale.
On a different note, my depression is getting worse. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the last three nights in a row. And my insomnia has done a 180 and turned into constant fatigue. It’s never been this bad before. I know that this is not healthy, and that I need to do something about it, but I’m too terrified.
What if I get the help i need for my mental health, but that doesn’t fix anything? What if they try and force me to get treatment for my ED? What if they tell my family? I need to get some things off of my chest to a real live person that I won’t have to face the next day and see their disdain. Otherwise I feel like I might self-destruct at any moment.

Panic attack

Holy. CRAP.
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....

Hello again...

I know it's been a while....a really LONG while...I'm not very good at keeping up with this....Sorry...Just another thing to add to the list of my failures...
Nothing I had hoped to achieve this semester actually happened.
My weight...the same...I think...the only time I have access to a scale is around 6 pm-ish when I go the gym (which I've been awful about lately....) And I've always eaten before and drank tons of water....and am wearing like 4 layers....so I hope that adds up to about the 4 pound difference from what the scale at home told me when I weighed myself first thing every morning....the moment of truth will be when I fly home in 2 weeks and 2 days....yes on Christmas eve....my school is evil....finals finish on the 23rd....which brings me to my second point of failure....
My grades....suck. Not suck as in failing or anything, but as for getting into med school...i might as well be....I have 2 A's, one B and one.....gulp....C....in CHEMISTRY!!!! I'm a BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR!!!!! I find that kinda sad/depressing....and this is probably exhibit A of why I'm not doing the best....I should be studying for finals right now so i could fix that, but what am I doing? Blogging....I'm gonna call this a mental health session or something, even though it's kinda the opposite....
I haven't been socializing much....I've been isolating myself again....I just don't feel like having to put up a front for people....having to turn down food....explain why I'm always shaky.....or have to come up with something to say so they don't catch on....I'm starting to get worried....my two good friends have started making a lot of ED comments recently....I said I ate too much recently and they just looked at me and suggested I do as the Romans do and purge...and then laughed...I didn't, because that's what I actually wanted to do....and they looked at me really funny...so on and so forth...and now the holidays are coming up, which means extended time with the fam...them criticizing what I will or won't eat....FUN TIMES!!!!
not.
My one friend has also been pressuring me to go see the counselor here....it's free and she basically said....you need therapy....LOTS of it....and she admits she's fucked up but that she can see that I might actually be worse, despite me not wanting to admit it....this coming from a girl who tried to commit suicide two years ago....I feel lovely that I'm supposedly somewhere worse than that....
On a slightly happier note....I get a lot of comments from random men here in New York....I don't know if it's actually genuine or if they're just mocking me....either way, for the first couple minutes after someone random walks up to you and tells you you're beautiful, you feel happier about yourself...and then being me, you start analyzing everything that needs to be fixed....and it fades....
I need to do better this next year....either way, focusing on the positive, I've kept the weight off for over a year now, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be getting thinner and thinner by the day, instead of waking up every morning and seeing exactly the same amount of DISGUSTING fat as the day before....I can't handle this lack of progress but at the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I let myself start the spiral whole-heartedly again...because at the moment, I'll do it for a few days and then stop myself.....I'm terrified of what I could achieve if I truly let myself achieve it....is that why I keep making myself fail at everything I attempt?