Response to Comment

I kinda don't have anything of importance to sya at the moment, but I felt like I should answer this comment

Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.

I am an beached whale....

I'm totally not being hyperbolic this time. I measured myself yesterday thinkning that beacseu I wasn't really eating anything and I was walking everywhere ON TOP of the fact that it's so hot I sweat just thinking about how hot it is. I thought I would have significantly smaller measurements. WRONG. I have gained 5.35 inches in totaly from when I was my thinnest this January. THe only thing that has shrunk, remarkably are my upper arms which have decreased by half an inch.
Either way....I WILL NOT gain the Freshman 15. That is my top goal this semester. I know that it's a bit screwed up that I'm starting college and my TOP PRIORITY is not to gain the Freshman 15. Not to get good grades. Not to meet more people. Not to get involved. To NOT GAIN WEIGHT. Admittedly the others are on the list too....but that's just the way my fucked up brain works.
I'm actually going to endevour to LOSE the Freshman 15. Yes. Hopefully in a year I will be AT LEAST 130 pounds and officially not in the beached whale category and instead in the fat cow category...But hey....anything is better than this, right?
Sorry I haven;t been around for a while. It's really stressful keeping up appearances with my mom. Although I SWEAR she WANTS me to be fucked up....for example....over the summer she would tell me things like "You've gotten so skinny!" "You need to eat (more)" and then two days later she would say things like, "we definately need to cut back, no one wants to blow up like a balloon, now do they?" I was on my period. It's moments like that when I am 100% sure that my mother WANTS me to have an eating disorder. I mean she's the only one in my family that has ever discovered my disordered eating way back when, and did she make me get treatment? NO. Did she even tell my dad? NO. And then she goes around telling me that she and I need to go on a diet and that we should loose 5-10 pounds or so and THEN we'll look great. And then she goes into panic mode the second I say "I'm not hungry". I don't get it. I hate mothers.

Survey

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[x ] I've run away from home
[x] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[ ] Weed
[x Cigarillos technically but what the hay..] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3

P.S. I now officiallly have a follwer!!! YAY ME!!!! And thank you!!!!

Strage...

I have been away far too long...it took me all of yeaterday evening to catch up with all the blogs I follow...Anywho...the month I was gone without internet, I was in Syria with my super skinny best friend/roomie...and apparently I think I've worried her family. It drives me insane!!! Her eating habits aren't normal either, but they pick on mine instead of hers!! I mean how many NORMAL people eat about 3 kilos of apples a day and not much else? And how many NORMAL people refuse to eat any form of processed carbs? And she somehow manages to include rice in that category. But no...they comment on mine. Like when we go grocery shopping, and my roomie asks if I want to get something fattening or the other and I comment, "no thanks I want to fit into my dress for graduation." she responds with a "It's gonna fall off of you with the amount you've been eating" And her mom always trying to feed me even more food!!!! GAH!!!! I hate food pushers!!!
I hate the hypocrisy sometimes!!!! It's okay for your daughter to eat like a rabbit, but not for her friend? And I didn't lose anything at all...partially because I had a massive bordom induced binge three days ago...and once again I'm stuck at bloody 145 pounds....I always get down to theis point and then for some reason, no matter what I eat or don't eat, my body stopslosing weight and the ONLY direction the numbers on the scale go is up!
I'm so confused about my body now anyways....I think I have the most bizzare body on the planent: the literal exception to every singe rule of body mass distribution and proportions. On a whim I decided to calculate my percentage body fat and guess what? On 6 seperate calculators, it never got lower than 19% or about 19.6% The most common value was 19.5% though, so I'm thinking that was the most reliable. But that number doesn't make any sense! Depending on the site, I was either classified as having not enough body fat or having the body fat of an athlete! I have no muscle tone whatsoever! I haven't worked out in months! I look like a whale! There is no way that I'm not at least in the average range!
Anywho, my graduation is in two days and I want to look the best possible then!!! I want to break through the 145 barrier!!! It's so frustrating!!! I've lost over 20 pounds so far, and then my body just stopped! I'm only gonna eat really healthy stuff the next two days....at the moment I'm eating celery, which tastes gross at the moment, and I bought bamboo shoots and red and yellow peppers, 0.1% fat yoghurt and laxative tea. And that's basically what I'm going to eat for the next two days. Hopeully I see some improvement!

Good day today.... :)

It's an amazing day for me today because....I woke up exactly 4.4 pounds lighter today than I was yesterday...I feels amazing!!!! I still have about 15.5 pounds to lose before I can attempt to be happy about my wieght, but still progress is progress!!!
There is only one good thing about being on your period: the super fast weight loss....I think the fact that I started my period two days ago is one of the main reasons for the fast loss....that and sauna-ing....it's offically one of my favorite ways to lose weight EVER!!!
I'm going in for another hour-long session today!!!! Hopefully I can get down to the 130s sometime soon...It will be the first time I was in the 130s in a VERY LONG time...I think it would make me ecstatic!!!! I DEFINATELY want to be in the 130s for my graduaiton in a month....I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be 132 for it!!!! Exactly 60 kilos....but that would mean losing 15.4 pounds in the next month. Lord knows I'm going to try.

Angry....

I'm furious....
First of all because of something I just read...a young girl was looking for support with EDNOS and some idiot told her that she doesn't have an eating disorder because EDNOS is the, "eating disorder for those who want to have an eating disorder."
I NEVER wanted this. I NEVER wanted to NEVER be happy with myself....to hate myself for not being strong enough to stop eating....for not being strong enough to NOT purge....I look in the mirror and all I want to be is happy...but I know I'll never be that in the body I'm in...and so the EDNOS cycle starts...
I started having ED behaviors when I was 8. My mother was always small and thin, a dancer, who now considers herself obese at 5'7" and 113 pounds. My father is the opposite, 6'0". He used to be really thin when he was in the military, but he gained a lot when he quit. I would guess he now weighs 250+ pounds. Around the time when my father really started to gain, my mother started telling me that I was "big". I have my dad's larger bone structure and was never petite like her. In EVERY SINGLE CLASS PHOTO of mine from 1st to 8th grade I'm the tallest and the biggest.
I would overhear my mom talk to other mothers about the size clothes their daughters wear and their weights....she always described me as "big". It hurt. It hurt a lot. I still find the word big more insulting than fat. Because every time she said that word, she said it with pure disgust...we would go shopping and she would always look at the smaller sized clothes longingly...and I NEVER fit...
In about 3rd grade I began what to me seemed a logical...the less you ate, the smaller you would get....I didn't want to be big any more...I wanted my mother to finally accept me and not criticize everything because it wan't perfect. I would get 98% on a test and she would ask where the last 2% were. I would win a soccer game and she would ask if I had scored the most goals...nothing was good enough...So I stopped eating lunch at school....I would just throw it out...at every other meal, when she gave me a MUCH smaller portion than my sister or herself, it hurt but at the same time I thought it was good because I would become perfect faster...
This continued for about 3 weeks before I became ravenous and binged....everything I could while my mother was out...I couldn't bear to have her or anyone else see me eat. It felt and still feels...dirty. I continued on my binge-restrict cycle for the next 4 years...but the weight never went down...it kept going up...I was ALWAYS angry ALL THE TIME...especially at my mother...
In 7th grade I began to experiment with purging...I discovered I hated vomiting, but laxatives felt like an appropriate punishment....It was only natural that it would be revolting and uncomfortable to get all the crap that I put into myself out...
Unfortunately, in the binge-purge-restrict cycle, I began to get careless....my mother noticed empty wrappers and food containers that I used to hide so well...
She confronted me and I lied....I told her that I never purged, EVER....she then started marking all the food and counting exactly how many calories I ate a day...she found out that I was using the laxatives in the cabinent and and counted those too....she told me that if I snuck food again, or she caught me purging, she would send me for treatment...
I didn't want to go to treatment because that would mean there was something wrong with me, that I wasn't perfect. I wanted to be thin, small and perfect but I didn't want to be so imperfect that i needed help. So for about 3 years, I listened, I ate and didn't purge and got fatter and more disgusting all the time. The arguments with my mother got worse and worse...
I then couldn't handle it anymore....I was 168 pounds at my highest....
I could feel her condescending looks and I broke...I started again...and it hurts keeping so much inside, but I have to do it because if I don't, people will try and "help" me. I don't want their help. I want to be perfect enough. And no I don't know when that will be. I don't know if that will ever be.
All I do know is this:
1. I get a little high everytime some one tells me I've lost weight. Especially when it's my mother....I love that now every time I go home she comments that I've gotten thinner...I need to hear that I'm getting thinner....but more importantly that I'm not "big" anymore....It makes me feel like I can do something right...I may not be thin YET, but at least I'm thinNER.
2. I hate lying to everyone, but not enough to stop.
3. I hate myself for eating. I hate myself for not eating.
4. I feel like crying everytime my friends tell me I'd be a great mom, because I do want to be a mom. I'm just terrified that my children will be just as screwed up as me. Or even worse, that I'll become like my mother and screw them up myself. I never want to make anyone feel the way she made and still makes me feel: perpetually inadequate.
5. I don't feel worthy of any sort of positive attention, and what people think is false modesty in order to get compliments really isn't. It's the truth. I don't think I'm especially smart (How many smart people would WANT to do this to themselves?). I don't think I'm that strong (If I was strong, I wouldn't NEED this). I don't think I'm funny (What my friends don't realize is what they mistake as humor is either a) my anger at the world being mistaken as sarcasm, or b) me being so hungry/out of it that I have no more control over what I say). I don't find myself especially nice or sweet (I'm selfish: I try and care for other people because I don't want anyone else to become as fucked up as I am, because that way I potentially have SOMETHING good to say about myself: that I prevented more people from turning out like this).

So to anyone out there who may stumble across this: EDNOS is NOT an eating disorder for those who WANT one....it's something very real, that I never wanted, but I don't want to get rid of, because I don't know who I AM without it. That terrifies me. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE else in a million years. True I don't have a "cookie cutter" ED like bulimia (I don't purge enough), or anorexia (my BMI has never been low enough), but I can see that this is NOT healthy...but that's not the point. I don't want health. I want perfection. This is not something I'm saying about myself because I want attention...these are classifications that have been given to me by OTHERS...I just wish people would stop belittling EDs that aren't anorexia or bulimia because they don't know them...some may say I have disordered eating, but NOT an eating disorder....others may say I'm just depressed. I am depressed, but this is more than that. All these people could say that, but they don't KNOW me....ask someone who has known me my entire life...they KNOW that I don't have a healthy relationship to food...they've told me themselves that I need to eat, or that they're concerned. So the next time you think that EDNOS doesn't exist, ask THEM. I'm sure they'd tell you something VERY different.

Positive Reinforcement

I ran yesterday. I was supposed to be studying for my exams which start on Tuesday, but instead I ran. My school is celebrating it's 90th birthday this weekend and one of the events was a two hour run around my campus for charity.
I only really started because I wanted one of the T-shirts, but then the high of running yout body down hit and I didn't want to stop. I started about 50 minutes to an hour late and I ran 9 kilometers.
I barely ate breakfast that morning and I was too hyped to really eat that much at dinner....I also skipped lunch....I feel the changes already....my oblique muscles, my ass and inner thighs all are in IMMENSE pain....but it's so worth it....
I thought I was really out of shape, but I'm really proud of myself for running that much....hopefully I can keep up the losing over exams and blame stress.....and look great for our IB dinner!!!! Lord knows I need something positive to look forward to....I've found that positive motivation for what WILL happen in the future is what gets me going the most....so here goes....hopefully I exceed even my own expectations!!!