On a good note, all of my clothes are loose. Which means that I’ve probably lost weight. I can’t really check that though because I’m at school and have to access to a scale.
On a different note, my depression is getting worse. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the last three nights in a row. And my insomnia has done a 180 and turned into constant fatigue. It’s never been this bad before. I know that this is not healthy, and that I need to do something about it, but I’m too terrified.
What if I get the help i need for my mental health, but that doesn’t fix anything? What if they try and force me to get treatment for my ED? What if they tell my family? I need to get some things off of my chest to a real live person that I won’t have to face the next day and see their disdain. Otherwise I feel like I might self-destruct at any moment.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Panic attack
Holy. CRAP.
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....
I am a FUCKING WHALE!!!!!!! Does anyone else remember that time that seems ages ago when my body fat percentage was 19? I decided to recalculate it today to porve to myself that being healthy wouldn't have changed it that much.....
Its now 31.31%.....yeah, you read that right, a whole thirty one point fucking three one precent. That is medically quatifiable as obese. In order to have a body fat percentage that I'd be okay with, about 18%....low eneough that I don't feel gross but high enough that people will stop asking questions requires me to lose 31 pounds....well 30.9 but hey, I always round up....
I don't normally set new years resolutions because I find the tradition a bit, well, cliche, but I am now. My New Years Resolution: I'm going to weigh a MAXIMUM of 121.5 by the time this year is out so help me god....preferably before summer, but hey fatties can't be too chosy, now can we?
At this weight my BMi will be 17.9 and I'll be in the 14th percentile for my height. When I look at it that way, I'll actually be quantifiable as thin when I reach that goal....the countown starts today!!!! BYE BYE EVIL FAT (supposedly HEALTHY) me!!!!! Guess it just goes to show you that you are never REALLY healthy when you try and ignore the little voice telling you to restrict, to purge, to go run a couple mimles you fat ass.....
I don't guve a fuck any more....I need this....I almost had a legit panic attack when I saw those numbers a few minutes ago....like couldn't breathe....at all....and I can't live like this.....I hate this....It's all gonna have to go....one fat cell at a time....
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Hello again...
I know it's been a while....a really LONG while...I'm not very good at keeping up with this....Sorry...Just another thing to add to the list of my failures...
Nothing I had hoped to achieve this semester actually happened.
My weight...the same...I think...the only time I have access to a scale is around 6 pm-ish when I go the gym (which I've been awful about lately....) And I've always eaten before and drank tons of water....and am wearing like 4 layers....so I hope that adds up to about the 4 pound difference from what the scale at home told me when I weighed myself first thing every morning....the moment of truth will be when I fly home in 2 weeks and 2 days....yes on Christmas eve....my school is evil....finals finish on the 23rd....which brings me to my second point of failure....
My grades....suck. Not suck as in failing or anything, but as for getting into med school...i might as well be....I have 2 A's, one B and one.....gulp....C....in CHEMISTRY!!!! I'm a BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR!!!!! I find that kinda sad/depressing....and this is probably exhibit A of why I'm not doing the best....I should be studying for finals right now so i could fix that, but what am I doing? Blogging....I'm gonna call this a mental health session or something, even though it's kinda the opposite....
I haven't been socializing much....I've been isolating myself again....I just don't feel like having to put up a front for people....having to turn down food....explain why I'm always shaky.....or have to come up with something to say so they don't catch on....I'm starting to get worried....my two good friends have started making a lot of ED comments recently....I said I ate too much recently and they just looked at me and suggested I do as the Romans do and purge...and then laughed...I didn't, because that's what I actually wanted to do....and they looked at me really funny...so on and so forth...and now the holidays are coming up, which means extended time with the fam...them criticizing what I will or won't eat....FUN TIMES!!!!
not.
My one friend has also been pressuring me to go see the counselor here....it's free and she basically said....you need therapy....LOTS of it....and she admits she's fucked up but that she can see that I might actually be worse, despite me not wanting to admit it....this coming from a girl who tried to commit suicide two years ago....I feel lovely that I'm supposedly somewhere worse than that....
On a slightly happier note....I get a lot of comments from random men here in New York....I don't know if it's actually genuine or if they're just mocking me....either way, for the first couple minutes after someone random walks up to you and tells you you're beautiful, you feel happier about yourself...and then being me, you start analyzing everything that needs to be fixed....and it fades....
I need to do better this next year....either way, focusing on the positive, I've kept the weight off for over a year now, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be getting thinner and thinner by the day, instead of waking up every morning and seeing exactly the same amount of DISGUSTING fat as the day before....I can't handle this lack of progress but at the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I let myself start the spiral whole-heartedly again...because at the moment, I'll do it for a few days and then stop myself.....I'm terrified of what I could achieve if I truly let myself achieve it....is that why I keep making myself fail at everything I attempt?
Nothing I had hoped to achieve this semester actually happened.
My weight...the same...I think...the only time I have access to a scale is around 6 pm-ish when I go the gym (which I've been awful about lately....) And I've always eaten before and drank tons of water....and am wearing like 4 layers....so I hope that adds up to about the 4 pound difference from what the scale at home told me when I weighed myself first thing every morning....the moment of truth will be when I fly home in 2 weeks and 2 days....yes on Christmas eve....my school is evil....finals finish on the 23rd....which brings me to my second point of failure....
My grades....suck. Not suck as in failing or anything, but as for getting into med school...i might as well be....I have 2 A's, one B and one.....gulp....C....in CHEMISTRY!!!! I'm a BIOCHEMISTRY MAJOR!!!!! I find that kinda sad/depressing....and this is probably exhibit A of why I'm not doing the best....I should be studying for finals right now so i could fix that, but what am I doing? Blogging....I'm gonna call this a mental health session or something, even though it's kinda the opposite....
I haven't been socializing much....I've been isolating myself again....I just don't feel like having to put up a front for people....having to turn down food....explain why I'm always shaky.....or have to come up with something to say so they don't catch on....I'm starting to get worried....my two good friends have started making a lot of ED comments recently....I said I ate too much recently and they just looked at me and suggested I do as the Romans do and purge...and then laughed...I didn't, because that's what I actually wanted to do....and they looked at me really funny...so on and so forth...and now the holidays are coming up, which means extended time with the fam...them criticizing what I will or won't eat....FUN TIMES!!!!
not.
My one friend has also been pressuring me to go see the counselor here....it's free and she basically said....you need therapy....LOTS of it....and she admits she's fucked up but that she can see that I might actually be worse, despite me not wanting to admit it....this coming from a girl who tried to commit suicide two years ago....I feel lovely that I'm supposedly somewhere worse than that....
On a slightly happier note....I get a lot of comments from random men here in New York....I don't know if it's actually genuine or if they're just mocking me....either way, for the first couple minutes after someone random walks up to you and tells you you're beautiful, you feel happier about yourself...and then being me, you start analyzing everything that needs to be fixed....and it fades....
I need to do better this next year....either way, focusing on the positive, I've kept the weight off for over a year now, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be getting thinner and thinner by the day, instead of waking up every morning and seeing exactly the same amount of DISGUSTING fat as the day before....I can't handle this lack of progress but at the same time, I'm afraid of what will happen if I let myself start the spiral whole-heartedly again...because at the moment, I'll do it for a few days and then stop myself.....I'm terrified of what I could achieve if I truly let myself achieve it....is that why I keep making myself fail at everything I attempt?
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Depressed Ramblings
I almost outed myself the other day to a friend on accident. I feel awful that I'm hiding this from her, especially since she's been open about the psychological difficulties she's had in the past. I was telling her about the tattoo I want to get. I've decided I want to get wings tattooed on my upper back. I'm one of those people who refuses to get a tattoo that doesn't have meaning, so I was telling her that it was meaningful to me on four different levels:
1. A reminder of my dead sister and that I always have a guardian angel looking out for me,
2. A reminder that I can overcome all obstacles.
3. Wings are part of the medical symbol and I since I want to be a doctor, it would be a reminder of my goals.
And then I stopped. She asked me what the fourth one was. The fourth reason is that it would be a reminder of my continual struggle with EDNOS....the wings symbolizing my desire to be thinner, smaller and more perfect when I give into my disorder but also reminding me that this too is a struggle that I can overcome.
I told her I must have miscounted and was just being hyperbolic. I hate lying to people. But if anyone finds out, they'll make me stop and I'm petrified of what will happen if i do. I need this in a way. It's a method to organize my life. It's a measurement of how good my day has been. I know that I'm not happy this way, but that's not really what I'm striving for here anyways is it? I want perfection. If you can't be happy and perfect, I'll chose to be perfect and thus I'll be perfect at making everyone ELSE think I'm happy.
On an even more depressing note: if anyone is familiar with Supersize v.s Superskinny, I was watching the last season recently. I cried through most of them. This season there was an influx of super-skinnies that were moms and trying to change their ways so their kids wouldn't pick up their bad habits. That's exactly what I'm terrified of. My mother did it to me and I don't want tot carry that on to another generation. I managed to shield my sister from my families neurosis about weight (everyone in my family is either deemed too fat or too skinny and then subsequently lectured on how they can become a healthier individual). I'm just terrified at the amount of power i wield to potentially destroy myself and take down so many people that I love doing it.
1. A reminder of my dead sister and that I always have a guardian angel looking out for me,
2. A reminder that I can overcome all obstacles.
3. Wings are part of the medical symbol and I since I want to be a doctor, it would be a reminder of my goals.
And then I stopped. She asked me what the fourth one was. The fourth reason is that it would be a reminder of my continual struggle with EDNOS....the wings symbolizing my desire to be thinner, smaller and more perfect when I give into my disorder but also reminding me that this too is a struggle that I can overcome.
I told her I must have miscounted and was just being hyperbolic. I hate lying to people. But if anyone finds out, they'll make me stop and I'm petrified of what will happen if i do. I need this in a way. It's a method to organize my life. It's a measurement of how good my day has been. I know that I'm not happy this way, but that's not really what I'm striving for here anyways is it? I want perfection. If you can't be happy and perfect, I'll chose to be perfect and thus I'll be perfect at making everyone ELSE think I'm happy.
On an even more depressing note: if anyone is familiar with Supersize v.s Superskinny, I was watching the last season recently. I cried through most of them. This season there was an influx of super-skinnies that were moms and trying to change their ways so their kids wouldn't pick up their bad habits. That's exactly what I'm terrified of. My mother did it to me and I don't want tot carry that on to another generation. I managed to shield my sister from my families neurosis about weight (everyone in my family is either deemed too fat or too skinny and then subsequently lectured on how they can become a healthier individual). I'm just terrified at the amount of power i wield to potentially destroy myself and take down so many people that I love doing it.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sorry it's been a while...
I've been bad....I started college a little more than a month ago and because I didn't want ot have to deal with the questions and the nagging right away. I ate. I wanted to be normal for once and see if could be happy like that. I can't. I wieghed myself the other day...ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!!!!! Admittedly, this was at 11 o'clock at night after a HUGE binge that I STILL feel guilty about, but I was doing so well. Well, not well, passable. Anything other than gaining is acceptable to me. Not ideal, but at least I'm not getting fatTER.
So I've decided to reinstate my ED behavoirs that I've been trying so hard to suppress. I am now back to my strict 1200 net calories a day plan, staying under wherever possible. I'm going to the gym every other day where I must burn at LEAST 400 calories. This must also be done in under an hour. The other days I will do strength training. I'm not sure about the exact regimen, but I'll probably come up with something more concrete in the next two weeks.
Lastly, I'm highly considering posting daily eats online in hopes that having my fatty habits explosed on the internet will shame me into eating less. It's not like my body doesn't have enough fat already. I don't get why i can't just eat some of my MASSIVE thighs wen it gets hungry instead of me having to eat something to make them even bigger!!!! (I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm in a really pissed off mood.) Anywho, let me know what you think.
P.S. YAY!!!!! 3 WHOLE FOLLOWERS!!!! I feel loved. <3
So I've decided to reinstate my ED behavoirs that I've been trying so hard to suppress. I am now back to my strict 1200 net calories a day plan, staying under wherever possible. I'm going to the gym every other day where I must burn at LEAST 400 calories. This must also be done in under an hour. The other days I will do strength training. I'm not sure about the exact regimen, but I'll probably come up with something more concrete in the next two weeks.
Lastly, I'm highly considering posting daily eats online in hopes that having my fatty habits explosed on the internet will shame me into eating less. It's not like my body doesn't have enough fat already. I don't get why i can't just eat some of my MASSIVE thighs wen it gets hungry instead of me having to eat something to make them even bigger!!!! (I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm in a really pissed off mood.) Anywho, let me know what you think.
P.S. YAY!!!!! 3 WHOLE FOLLOWERS!!!! I feel loved. <3
Friday, September 10, 2010
If you really knew me...
I found this list today while killing time online and I think that at least one of these applies to the people who have used this site:
http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php
http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Response to Comment
I kinda don't have anything of importance to sya at the moment, but I felt like I should answer this comment
Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.
Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.
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