Depressed Ramblings

I almost outed myself the other day to a friend on accident. I feel awful that I'm hiding this from her, especially since she's been open about the psychological difficulties she's had in the past. I was telling her about the tattoo I want to get. I've decided I want to get wings tattooed on my upper back. I'm one of those people who refuses to get a tattoo that doesn't have meaning, so I was telling her that it was meaningful to me on four different levels:
1. A reminder of my dead sister and that I always have a guardian angel looking out for me,
2. A reminder that I can overcome all obstacles.
3. Wings are part of the medical symbol and I since I want to be a doctor, it would be a reminder of my goals.
And then I stopped. She asked me what the fourth one was. The fourth reason is that it would be a reminder of my continual struggle with EDNOS....the wings symbolizing my desire to be thinner, smaller and more perfect when I give into my disorder but also reminding me that this too is a struggle that I can overcome.
I told her I must have miscounted and was just being hyperbolic. I hate lying to people. But if anyone finds out, they'll make me stop and I'm petrified of what will happen if i do. I need this in a way. It's a method to organize my life. It's a measurement of how good my day has been. I know that I'm not happy this way, but that's not really what I'm striving for here anyways is it? I want perfection. If you can't be happy and perfect, I'll chose to be perfect and thus I'll be perfect at making everyone ELSE think I'm happy.
On an even more depressing note: if anyone is familiar with Supersize v.s Superskinny, I was watching the last season recently. I cried through most of them. This season there was an influx of super-skinnies that were moms and trying to change their ways so their kids wouldn't pick up their bad habits. That's exactly what I'm terrified of. My mother did it to me and I don't want tot carry that on to another generation. I managed to shield my sister from my families neurosis about weight (everyone in my family is either deemed too fat or too skinny and then subsequently lectured on how they can become a healthier individual). I'm just terrified at the amount of power i wield to potentially destroy myself and take down so many people that I love doing it.

Sorry it's been a while...

I've been bad....I started college a little more than a month ago and because I didn't want ot have to deal with the questions and the nagging right away. I ate. I wanted to be normal for once and see if could be happy like that. I can't. I wieghed myself the other day...ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THREE MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS!!!!! Admittedly, this was at 11 o'clock at night after a HUGE binge that I STILL feel guilty about, but I was doing so well. Well, not well, passable. Anything other than gaining is acceptable to me. Not ideal, but at least I'm not getting fatTER.
So I've decided to reinstate my ED behavoirs that I've been trying so hard to suppress. I am now back to my strict 1200 net calories a day plan, staying under wherever possible. I'm going to the gym every other day where I must burn at LEAST 400 calories. This must also be done in under an hour. The other days I will do strength training. I'm not sure about the exact regimen, but I'll probably come up with something more concrete in the next two weeks.
Lastly, I'm highly considering posting daily eats online in hopes that having my fatty habits explosed on the internet will shame me into eating less. It's not like my body doesn't have enough fat already. I don't get why i can't just eat some of my MASSIVE thighs wen it gets hungry instead of me having to eat something to make them even bigger!!!! (I know that doesn't make sense, but I'm in a really pissed off mood.) Anywho, let me know what you think.
P.S. YAY!!!!! 3 WHOLE FOLLOWERS!!!! I feel loved. <3

If you really knew me...

I found this list today while killing time online and I think that at least one of these applies to the people who have used this site:

http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php

Response to Comment

I kinda don't have anything of importance to sya at the moment, but I felt like I should answer this comment

Chris: I find your concern truly touching and I really do hope that one day I'll wake up and not care what I put into my mouth, but I logically know that that day will probably never come. I've resigned myself to the reality that I'm not good enough, that I never will be, but that that is not a decent enough reason to stop trying. I truly sympathize with you and it's nice to know that there is someone out there who went through/is going through the exact same hell as me. All my love and best of luck with whatever you chose to do about your struggle.

I am an beached whale....

I'm totally not being hyperbolic this time. I measured myself yesterday thinkning that beacseu I wasn't really eating anything and I was walking everywhere ON TOP of the fact that it's so hot I sweat just thinking about how hot it is. I thought I would have significantly smaller measurements. WRONG. I have gained 5.35 inches in totaly from when I was my thinnest this January. THe only thing that has shrunk, remarkably are my upper arms which have decreased by half an inch.
Either way....I WILL NOT gain the Freshman 15. That is my top goal this semester. I know that it's a bit screwed up that I'm starting college and my TOP PRIORITY is not to gain the Freshman 15. Not to get good grades. Not to meet more people. Not to get involved. To NOT GAIN WEIGHT. Admittedly the others are on the list too....but that's just the way my fucked up brain works.
I'm actually going to endevour to LOSE the Freshman 15. Yes. Hopefully in a year I will be AT LEAST 130 pounds and officially not in the beached whale category and instead in the fat cow category...But hey....anything is better than this, right?
Sorry I haven;t been around for a while. It's really stressful keeping up appearances with my mom. Although I SWEAR she WANTS me to be fucked up....for example....over the summer she would tell me things like "You've gotten so skinny!" "You need to eat (more)" and then two days later she would say things like, "we definately need to cut back, no one wants to blow up like a balloon, now do they?" I was on my period. It's moments like that when I am 100% sure that my mother WANTS me to have an eating disorder. I mean she's the only one in my family that has ever discovered my disordered eating way back when, and did she make me get treatment? NO. Did she even tell my dad? NO. And then she goes around telling me that she and I need to go on a diet and that we should loose 5-10 pounds or so and THEN we'll look great. And then she goes into panic mode the second I say "I'm not hungry". I don't get it. I hate mothers.

Survey

I AM...
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[ ] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[ ] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[x] I have more than 2 piercings
[ ] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[ ] I have freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[x ] I've run away from home
[x] I've been kicked out of the house
[x] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[x] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[ ] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher
[x] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[x] I've hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[x] I've snuck out of my house
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I've cheated while playing a game
[x] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[x] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[ ] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ ] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[ ] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ ] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I'VE DONE...
[ ] Weed
[x Cigarillos technically but what the hay..] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[ ] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

<>OTHER QUESTIONS
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[ ] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself
<3

P.S. I now officiallly have a follwer!!! YAY ME!!!! And thank you!!!!

Strage...

I have been away far too long...it took me all of yeaterday evening to catch up with all the blogs I follow...Anywho...the month I was gone without internet, I was in Syria with my super skinny best friend/roomie...and apparently I think I've worried her family. It drives me insane!!! Her eating habits aren't normal either, but they pick on mine instead of hers!! I mean how many NORMAL people eat about 3 kilos of apples a day and not much else? And how many NORMAL people refuse to eat any form of processed carbs? And she somehow manages to include rice in that category. But no...they comment on mine. Like when we go grocery shopping, and my roomie asks if I want to get something fattening or the other and I comment, "no thanks I want to fit into my dress for graduation." she responds with a "It's gonna fall off of you with the amount you've been eating" And her mom always trying to feed me even more food!!!! GAH!!!! I hate food pushers!!!
I hate the hypocrisy sometimes!!!! It's okay for your daughter to eat like a rabbit, but not for her friend? And I didn't lose anything at all...partially because I had a massive bordom induced binge three days ago...and once again I'm stuck at bloody 145 pounds....I always get down to theis point and then for some reason, no matter what I eat or don't eat, my body stopslosing weight and the ONLY direction the numbers on the scale go is up!
I'm so confused about my body now anyways....I think I have the most bizzare body on the planent: the literal exception to every singe rule of body mass distribution and proportions. On a whim I decided to calculate my percentage body fat and guess what? On 6 seperate calculators, it never got lower than 19% or about 19.6% The most common value was 19.5% though, so I'm thinking that was the most reliable. But that number doesn't make any sense! Depending on the site, I was either classified as having not enough body fat or having the body fat of an athlete! I have no muscle tone whatsoever! I haven't worked out in months! I look like a whale! There is no way that I'm not at least in the average range!
Anywho, my graduation is in two days and I want to look the best possible then!!! I want to break through the 145 barrier!!! It's so frustrating!!! I've lost over 20 pounds so far, and then my body just stopped! I'm only gonna eat really healthy stuff the next two days....at the moment I'm eating celery, which tastes gross at the moment, and I bought bamboo shoots and red and yellow peppers, 0.1% fat yoghurt and laxative tea. And that's basically what I'm going to eat for the next two days. Hopeully I see some improvement!