Bittersweet

I woke up this morning super excited because drumroll please.....I weighed 149.6.....this is the first time I've been in the 140s in a while...I feel like I broke through some sort of plateau....then I kinda had a mini-binge of two luna bars....I've been super good until now but I'm having a mild panic attack about what to eat now...I feel like I'm back up to 150 again and I can't take that right now....I'm stupor stressed as is...if my weight could just cooperate it would make life almost bearable right now....anywho....shittons to do...ttyl

Shitty day

Hey everyone...

sorry I've been MIA for like the past 4 months but I was kinda trying to be better/healthy...but I'm weak...I start to get stressed or fail at something and I return to my old EDNOS ways to try and get order...

Anywho I kinda cracked today when I pretty much fucked up one of my classes for the semester....and it's only been one week...

I didn't eat anything the rest of the day after that....so I basically did a 18 hour fast....and I walked about 3 miles to try and clear my head...i feel empty and almost numb....and I don't really mind

I almost miss the numbness that I used to feel when I was at my worst...

On a side-note I found out that my current goal weight is actually healthy....At the moment I am 151.2 pounds and my BMI is 22.5. At my goal weight of 130 I will be 19.3. I hope to reach this goal by Christmas. I'd be happy if I get down to 135 by then though. Ideally I would like to weigh 120-5 giving me a BMI of 17.8-18.6 which is right on the upper edge of unhealthy...I would like to weigh 115 but I tend to look thinner than I weigh, people already tend to guess my weight as about 140....10-5 pounds less than my weight....so if I get down to about 125 I will probably look like I weigh in the teens.....I don't want to get too bony...I look bony from certain angles as is....I just want to be less blobby...

Quick update.

I've decided to re-try the whole no chocolate thing. I've been good for two days so far...my goal this time is to make it to four days. I think I'll gradually work up to going a week. On the weight front I'm about the same. I've decided to up my calories for the next two weeks and zigzag them around a bit. I've noticed that recently although my weight stays the same, I'm weaker and my clothes are tighter...i think it's because I was eating so little for the level of activity i maintain that it was all turning to fat, and taking my muscle with it too....which is exactly what i don't want to happen...so I'm aiming for around an average of 1600 calories a day...with my level of activity though that's about a 1000 calorie deficit, so I don't feel as repulsed by that number as i could be...anywho, hope you all are doing great and having success in getting slim in time for summer...

FUCK!

I screwed up....

I broke the no-chocolate rule...I was walking home from class and I stopped in CVS to get something to drink cuz it's a million degrees in NYC right now...and I saw the Easter chocolate on sale....I swear I don't think I was even controlling my actions any more...before I knew it I was in my room with wrappers around me...I'm so ashamed. I mean I couldn't eat a 400 calorie sandwich because of the guilt today, but I can zone out and eat about 2,000 calories of chocolate in one sitting? NO!!!

I'm just sooo frustrated with myself. It's like I'm literally an addict! I didn't even enjoy it either. It didn't even taste GOOD!!! But could I stop myself? NO! And you want to know what makes it even worse? I feel too sick to go to the gym now....that's right...I am too much of a fat disgusting cow to go to the gym...I need to stop failing. The last few days were perfect and then I had to go and fuck them all up, because that's what i do best....

Day 3

Today was meh. I slightly better net calories-wise. It would have been better, but I couldn't keep going exercise-wise. I felt like my legs were going to give out from under me. Not the most pleasant feeling. Also NO CHOCOLATE TODAY!!! YAY ME!!! Four more days....okay, that kinda depressed me...I'm not even half-way through my no chocolate week, and I'm already fantasizing about having my first bite of chocolate on Sunday...I actually am willing time to go faster so I can have it NOW!!! Anywho...

Intake:

Breakfast:

1 Blueberry Muffin: 510 calories

1 Cup green tea: 2 calories

3/4 cup Vanilla Lowfat Yogurt: 135 calories

1/2 cup Strawberry Halves: 25 calories

1/4 cup Blueberries: 17 calories

Lunch:

1 Cup Spinach : 7 calories

1/2 Cup Chopped Yellow Peppers: 42 calories

1/4 Cup Feta Cheese: 60 calories

1/3 Cup Edamame: 60 calories

Snack:

2 Tbsp Garlic Hummus: 70 calories

3 oz Baby Carrots: 35 calories

Dinner:

Strawberry Smoothie: 280 calories

Oatmeal Cookie: 310 calories

Output:

1 hour elliptical (aerobic program):4.76 miles, 575 calories

Total: 978 calories

P.S. I think I'm going to try and stay in the 800-1200 net calorie range from now on...it's super tough right now but that's because my body hasn't been on an amount this low in a while. It just needs some time to adjust and then this will be a piece of cake (relatively)....Stay strong lovelies!!

The good, the bad and the ugly

Hey guys,

I made it through another day without chocolate!!! YAY ME!!! But what I resorted to eating to NOT eat chocolate=BAD, BAD VERY BAD!!!!

Intake:

Breakfast:

1 Blueberry Muffin: 510

1 Cup Green Tea: 2

1/2 Banana: 100

Lunch:

Mixed Green Salad with Strawberries, Feta, and Pecans: 380

Snack:

2 Tsp hummus: 70

3 oz Baby carrots: 35

Dinner:

6oz Raspberries

1 cup nonfat Cottage Cheese: 160

2 Pop Tart Strawberry Pastries: 400 (REALLY didn't need those, but I needed carbs really bad and in a moment of desperation i went for the only non-chocolate, semi-appetizing thing in the vending machine)

Output:

1 hour on the elliptical (Fat Burning Hills mode) : 645 calories, 5.45 miles

Total:1,100 net calories

I know it's not even that bad, but I still feel like an obese cow for eating that much today. I really wanted to be at 800 today, no more than 900 and I would have succeeded if not for those stupid pop tarts.

But alas, tomorrow is a new day...and I'm going to do better...no chocolate...and no pop tarts...and the same amount of gym minimum. Hopefully SOMETHING will change if I can keep this up for the rest of the week....five more days....I can do this?

New challenge

I've decided to try and not eat any chocolate in any form whatsoever for the next week. That means that not one single M&M will pass my lips. For anyone who doesn't know me this is a huge deal. I'm the type of person that has a severe addiction to chocolate. I think the longest I lasted without a single bite was 2 days.

This is not to loose weight. Chocolate doesn't really make me fat cuz I have a super duper handy chocolate allergy that makes it run through me like water. It's all the stuff that comes with chocolate: the cakes, candies, ice creams, etc. THOSE don't go through me. And my sweet tooth has been hyper-active lately.

I've pretty much made it through day one. Hopefully I can make it through another 6 days of this.